November 28th...

Today would have been my sister Lina's 38th birthday!  She has been gone now for 9 years.  However, I do not have to keep track of this time because my son - Martin was born on her birthday (three months after she passed).  This is what some would call the bitter-sweet?  Not really sure what that means, but I often hear people express that to me.  Am I supposed to be happy today or sad?  I can not help to laugh when I look at my son at times and his mannerisms and gestures are so much like my sister!  What is even more hysterical is when my sister said one time "when she died she wanted to come back as a man" and seek her revenge.  lol.  Only those close to us would understand that remark.

During this time, I also think of the emptiness my nephew must be feeling!  I try to empathize and/or sympathize with him.  Now at 18 years old, all one would see is a hollow shell.  A good kid who has lost his way in life - literally.  No soul; a look of being misplaced and mistaken.  One can only reason with him to see that the only reasoning is PRAYER.  Lately, I feel that is all I can do.  I can not help to contemplate on the past 9 years - what could I've done, what should I've done, and more importantly - what can I do NOW?!

For the past 9 years, family and friends have come and gone!  Nothing has changed, nothing new.  I realized in my ignorance I could not expect people to do what they were not doing all along.  At one point, I found myself apologizing for people's lack of support and ignorance - when I too was to blame.  But I won't take all the blame!

So I go on and celebrate LIFE (my son's life) the way my sister would have wanted it.  And continue to pray earnestly for my nephew...

                                      

Being THANKFUL!!

Every morning during my prayer rituals, I usually start off with "THANKING all my Angels & Saints, all my Guiding & Protecting Spirits, all Ancestors, and all my deceased friends & love ones - that have died & are watching over us, guarding us & protecting us on a daily basis."  I also THANK them for the gift of my life (I almost died twice), the gift of my health (I have almost reversed my diabetes), the gift of my 2 sons (I was told that I would not be able to have kids), the gift of nephew (his mother - my sister - died 9 years ago), and I thank them for the well-being of my parents (a lot of people my age have already lost both parents if not one).  So I have a lot to be GRATEFUL for...

And during this particular time, I reflect upon so many people who are homeless or do not have enough food.  Also, the victims of Hurricane Sandy that have been totally displaced from their homes.  Some still do not have power, heat or electricity and are unable to cook a Thanksgiving meal for their family.  So I have a lot to be GRATEFUL for...

This time next year I will be in my own home!  I will probably relocate to another state.  My children will finally have their own rooms and my nephew too.  And they will finally have a backyard to play & possibly a pool.  Although it has been a great struggle for me these past 9 years - I have so much to be GRATEFUL for...

What are you GRATEFUL for?

                                                                    Thanksgiving 2011                        

Pre-Thanksgiving - Childhood Memories

As I child I remembered the Holidays being a special time for Family get-togethers.  It was such a joyous occasion.  I could not wait to see cousins I have not seen in a year; the delicious aroma of the food cooking in my mother's kitchen or my aunts' house; the drive to see relatives with anticipation; the music playing so loudly you can hear it down the halls; and the sweet sound of children laughing.  Long time since those days of anticipation to see Family - relatives, cousins, aunts or just an old family friend.  Now the sentiment is more like anxiety of not being bothered with that nosy aunt, drunk uncle, or obnoxious cousin - always bragging about something as they have "arrived."
As we got older and our parents divorced, the Holidays never seem the same.  The relatives and cousins gave us a "pity" look.  We were fine with the divorce but the aunts seem to act concerned.  Never any words of encouragement but a sympathetic look that actually looked pathetic.  Oddly enough, the cousins whom never had a two-parent household - sarcastically had that "welcome to my world" facial expression.  We were already teenagers by then, so at that point we would tell one side of the family we would be with the other side of the family & vice-versa.  While our parents were spending time with their new dates, we would spend time with our friends' family or have friends come over that were in a similar situation.  Excitingly,  that worked well for years!  There were no false pretenses, no strange looks, no awful comments from cousins - just us being ourselves and not having to answer anyone.
Fast forward to the future - as we became older and became parents ourselves, we spent most of our Holidays with our own families at home.  Sometimes we would all come together with our siblings, children, and perhaps in-laws.  At times it would be fun, and at times it would seem like a lot of work!

Presently, my sister has past;  my aunt (mother's sister) relocated with her family to FL;  my other aunt (father's sister) has also passed - & her adult children spend it among themselves;  my father's other sister spends the Holiday with her daughter in FL as well;  my father's oldest brother has also relocated to FL to be with his adult children;  my father's youngest brother - when he does not fly to visit his estranged wife in FL, stays in NY with his buddies;  and I'm okay with it.
I spend the Holidays with whom I enjoy to be around - my children, my divorced parents of 30 years, my wonderful nephew (sister's son) and my baby daddy (whom I have known for over 20 years).  Long gone are those first childhood memories but memories I am making for my sons...                     

My 2 Cents/Sense

I posted on Fb 2 days ago:  when I was younger my parents warned me not to discuss Politics, $, or Religion.  I don't talk about my $ to anyone because it's none of their business; I don't debate about Politics because it will turn your best friend into your bitter enemy; & as for Religion - we can discuss that peacefully.
It kind of bothered me that people who have been friends for years took this Election so personal that they stopped being friends with one another?  That's why you don't discuss Politics!  (Unless you can back up your viewpoint or you have "leather skin.")  If you know your friends, if they are truly your friends, then you should have known at some point their Religious/Political affiliation.  Perhaps your "so-called" friend is a closet racists?  Although I voted in the Election on Tuesday, as I do every election since I was 18, I did not see how either candidate was going to help me - part of the poor class!  One talked about rebuilding the middle class, while the other talked about tax breaks for the rich.
My father who does not have a high school education, retired early from Con Ed & is considered Middle Class.  He worked hard, saved his $, & made smart, sound investments.  He owns a Condo in Harlem and property in PA.  My mother who has a degree has been struggling with stable employment for the past 5 years.  She was once in the Middle Class category & is now classified as the "working poor."  In regards to myself, the same welfare center I worked as a Caseworker for NYC/HRA-Dept. Social Service - I am now a client/participant.  I could have remained at my job & been promoted to supervisor, but I made a choice to be a stay-at-home mom.  Both my sons were born prematurely, & I knew the youngest was having developmental delays.  If I remained a working class citizen, I would not have been eligible to receive all the assistance that comes with SSI/medicaid.  Not to mention, I would have to find a childcare provider who would allow 4 therapist from Early Intervention to come into their home on a daily basis to work with my son.  I am not making up excuses, but giving you my facts!  Six years later, my autistic child is doing better than my 9 y/o in Catholic School.  Therefore I do not regret my decision.
Not once have I asked any one of my friends for $, unless I really needed it.  (And that's probably about 3 family members.)  People who really know me, know how I frivolous I was with $.  If I had it - you had it too.  The one friend I did ask, turned me down politely and I understood.  However, this same friend a year later, jokingly asked me "when was I getting off his dollar?"  - In reference to me receiving Public Assistance.  I was hurt, mortified , & shocked to say the least.  But I kindly replied I was using my parents' tax dollars.  We still remain friends...
And for those who think people on welfare are "getting over" on the system, impossible!  I'm here to tell you from personal experience, who worked for the system for 9 years & now I'm a client.  And for those "friends" on my page who forgot where they came from; whose parents/grandparents never received food stamps or medicaid; & does not have at least one family member living in the "hood;"  let me break it down.  Add up my grocery receipts & subtract that from my food stamps.  Now take my son's monthly SSI check & subtract my NYCHA rent, my Time Warner Cable, my cell phone (the free phone my older son uses), & my oldest son's tuition (in which he receives 75% from the Cardinal Scholarship Fund).  I also forgot to mention 1 credit card bill, my own tuition expenses from CUNY, & transportation costs to take my oldest son to school (in which he has a 1/2 fare metro-card).  We are not even talking about uniforms for school (both public & private), school shoes, sneakers & boots (from Payless), and winter coats & jackets.  Oh and yes - the baby daddy helps;  along with a $140 stipend I receive from welfare every 2 weeks.  That is how I manage to get by every month.  I get my hair done maybe twice a year - for my Birthday & Mother's Day.  I barely have my nails done monthly because I bite them so often...
So the next time you decide to talk about welfare recipients, people in the projects, or those people in the "hood," - think about your dear friend - yours truly.    
 
If this was 20 years ago, I would have knocked on your door, as soon as you decided to talk recklessly out your mouth!  But because I am older, wiser, and a mother - I really don't have the time, the energy, nor patience for people's non-sense...
In this day in age, very few things shock me or even matter to me.  If it doesn't concern my children, or my budget, then so be it...
Like I told a co-worker of mine, "you never know when you will be standing on the other side of that window" ...  
And while I'm finishing my ranting & raving, I'm going to put it out there:  I don't have a problem with white people.  However, I do  have issues with both Blacks & Puerto Ricans - who forgot their families' humble beginnings;  and now mock others, but yet call themselves Christians?  And for those Blacks & Puerto Ricans who are the original "Cosby kids" - I humbly apologize!
    
God Bless You All!

Ache'

Hurricane Sandy - Part II

The Aftermath of Hurricane Sandy is devastating to say the least!  I been glued to my chair since the Hurricane was heading up our way on the East Coast.  It hit New Jersey and New York on October 29th with winds that knocked down several trees at once in many areas, knocking down power lines and causing  power outages - which looked like a "black out."  The storm surge which caused massive flooding, to the point where high-rise buildings in the NYC area were in 6-9 feet of water;  completely submerged basements and water rising to first floor apartments.  Homes floated out to sea and/or winds that relocated homes to another area.  Shores lines no longer existed in the Jersey Shore, Far Rockaway, Coney Island and other bay areas - not to mention Atlantic City swallowed in water.  In one area in Queens - Breezy Point, after flooding began and while the water/ storm surges began to rise > power lines went down and caused a massive fire that spread to 111 homes!  It is just pictures after photos with horrifying scenes of an apocalyptic nature. Temporary shelters had to be evacuated because of additional flooding and/or lack of power; not to mention hospitals had to be evacuated as well because of these same concerns, with back-up generators failing due to the floods.
In these days after the Hurricane, it is just as chaotic.  MTA put up a contingency plan that allowed buses to  bring riders/customers to and from the city - for free; which resulted in lines of an hour or more.  In a few days after the MTA transit plan, there is now a gas shortage, but not entirely.  The gasoline stations have no electricity to pump fuel into vehicles and the ones that did have gas, ran out quickly because people were using the gas to fuel their generators.  The shortage of gas came when fuel trucks had no way to enter the two states (NJ/NY) by land or sea.  The harbors that would receive fuel/gas by sea, were closed because of potential dangers and a lack of a shore-line.  Then came the weather conditions with plummeting temperatures around 30 degrees, which can cause hypothermia especially in a home without power, heat or hot water.
In the meantime, residents of NY & NJ screaming and crying for HELP!  They ALL needed assistance with food, water, and shelter - our basic necessities.  Some residents saying they have not had food or water for days; not to mention the power outages which are said to last an additional week or two, already without power/electricity for a week.  A lack of power/ electricity meant food spoiling in the refrigerator, no gas to cook, no water to bathe or drink, and no heat with the temperatures going down to below 30 degrees.  The homes that were flooded were completely destroyed!  Installation had to be removed because of the molding , sheet-rock crumbling because of the dampness, and non-perishable food items had to be thrown away as well, as no clothing to keep warm - everything has to be thrown out.  Another important factor, debris everywhere has to be removed which are blocking people's homes and roadways/streets.    
Although the Red Cross has been providing food, water and clothing - there are not enough volunteers to go around to distribute these items to so many areas at once.  FEMA also have been going to these devastated areas to help with financial assistance because so many people have to be relocated and find temporary shelter for probably several months.
It is hard to imagine this total devastation and to see these areas by media footage does not serve it justice!  I however, are one of the "lucky" few that remained with power, electricity/gas, heat, water, food and TV!  This is the one time in our life where we as a nation of people need to display our ultimate sacrifice of humanity by helping one another and donating - either money, time, or food/clothing items.
I truly pray for the victims of Hurricane Sandy and all the affected people during this Aftermath ...

My 41st B-Day - Hurricane Sandy

This is an excerpt from my Facebook page that I posted today (October 30, 2012) :

"I remember last year before my 40th Birthday - how emotional I was that I was turning 40!?  Then it snowed...
Now on my 41st Birthday - Hurricane Sandy!!  As I watched the broadcast last night, and saw the East River come up over the FDR; OMG   o_O
( The water went up to 100 ST & First Ave, and I live on 102 ST & Second Ave.)
When I finally got some sleep last night and woke up this morning, I realized how grateful I was to wake up with no flood, power, heat, hot water and TV!
The fact that all of YOU took the time to wish me a 'Happy Birthday' in the midst of devastation means so much to me!
Once again - I am humble, gracious and I Thank You ALL <3 "


How strange it is for me to worry last year about a small thing such as a number;  and this year to worry about life and the safety of my children?!  If you do not live in the affected areas in NY, NJ, or CT - the pictures are not enough!  Even I am horrified to see the images on my TV screen.  What's even worst that the people without power are not even fully aware of what is happening around them!  To see NJ - Atlantic City under water, was like an image of the Lost City of Atlantis.  There are areas in NY & NJ,  where the beaches have no shore line.  You can not tell the difference of a beach house from a mainland house which met together two-three blocks away.  That was when the ocean actually came up on shore and homes were floating away - some as far as the major roads and interstates.  The bridges and underground car tunnels look like something from an amusement park, where you are on a huge water ride.  The underground subway tunnels were under 6 feet of water.  A boat landed on the track of the Metro-North and somehow would have to be removed from the commuter railroad tracks before power is returned.  
It is absolutely devastating!!  Most of the State of NJ is without power!  Areas like Atlantic City and the Jersey Shore underwater and/or flooded .  About 4 million people without electricity in NJ, NY & CT.  There are parts of NY such as Brooklyn's Coney Island, Queens' Far Rockaway & Breezy Point, Staten Island, & Long Island totally flooded and homes absolutely destroyed...