What I am GRATEFUL for in all my 43 Years:
1. Who else other than the Blessed Trinity & the Blessed Mother
2. For all my Guardian Angels & Saints
3. For my Ancestors who guide me daily
4. For my Sons & Nephew Ray-Ray
5. For my only Parents
6. For my Grandparents, the ones I met & the ones I didn't
7. For my Family - near or far, past or present, known or unknown
8. My Sister Lina - who has completed her "mission" with me
9. For the Faith I was given/ taught
10. For all my years in Catholic School
11. For ALL my Friends
12. For all the people I ever met
13. For All my teachers and professors & anyone who has ever "taught" me anything
14. For Everyone & Anyone whom has ever done Something for ME
15. For Anyone who has ever hurted my feelings, offended me (& scared me)
16. For being able to Forgive
17. For being Patient & Understanding
18. For being able to Communicate
19. For being able to sympathize & empathize
20. For All my Hopes & Fears
21. For All my Dreams & Failures
22. For All my Successes & Losses
23. All the work opportunities I was given & those taken away
24. For Wisdom, Knowledge, & Courage
25. For being able to Pray - knowing how to & when to...
26. For being able to say "no" when necessary
27. For the Strangers in the street I've talked to
28. For my Travel experiences
29. For All my Dining experiences
30. For my Book collection
31. For Food, Shelter & Warmth
32. For my New HOME
33. For the acre of land my kids to play
34. For my awesome Fireplace
35. For my new BED!
36. For Technology & Social Media/ Networking
37. For all the years Public Assistance "helped me"
38. For Breast Cancer (Yeah I said it...)
39. For EVERYONE in Mt Sinai's Dubin Breast Center & Radiology
40. For my Health
41. To Be ALIVE
42. For the man who has been with me for the past 24+ years & patiently endured all my "shit"
(and raised a son who was not biologically his!)
43. For being able to BREATHE...
Thank you EVERYONE & God Bless Always...
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
OMG! I have "IT"
So I have Breast Cancer, now what? Last Friday I went for a Biopsy of the right breast. The procedure itself was painless. The anticipation of having it done caused me great anxiety the days preceding the procedure. After being there for a few hours I was able to go home with a ice pack in my bra and hope for the best when I get my results after the weekend. I really do not know what I was thinking? I figured the "mass" which the Radiologist called a lesion - not a tumor, would be benign and I can a have a simple surgical procedure to have it removed!
Monday comes and I am a little not really worried, and the Radiologist calls me at 4:30 pm (as soon as I come home from picking up the kids from school). She says "I have you results from the Biopsy and unfortunately you have Breast Cancer. I'm sorry Raquel."
I don't know how I managed to muster the words - "it's ok, it's not your fault". She says, well the good news is - it is only 1 cm big and with all the new technology we have for Breast Cancer - it is treatable! You already know at this point everything she is telling me sounds like Charlie Brown. The Radiologist proceeds to give me a few phone numbers of some Breast Surgeons/Specialist. Then she asks if I have any questions, (which by now my thoughts are numb) - and if I need anything to call her.
I hang up the phone took a deep breath and started to make some phone calls to these Breast Surgeons that the Radiologist referred me to.
I am not the kind of person who freaks out as soon as I get some bad news, because it takes me a minute (or actually a few days), to process what is really going on. So of course, it is almost 5 pm at this time and the offices are closing and the receptionists who kindly answers the phone says, she will return my call tomorrow or I can call her. I tell her to call me ( because I am thinking in the back of my mind - this is all a bad dream and when I wake up tomorrow its' going to be all good.)
At this point I tell my husband who is non-reactive and he says, everything is going to be all right! I was so annoyed with him at this point that everything he said after that sounded like the Muppets. A little later, I have to tell my mother. I can not even describe the look on her face - not shocked, not upset, not worried - more like PISSED? And here I am thinking again, she is mad at me because of my cigarette smoking. She pulls out her big bottle of wine from her little purse and after a moment, asks me what the doctor said and what's next. I do not know if she was trying to process this news or what?!
Anyway, as my husband and her start to chat and I patiently ignore them - I am on my laptop looking for additional info and decided to join an online support group for those with Breast Cancer. I needed someone to talk to or to listen to who had experience and knew what I was going through. Because I already knew calling people with this shit, was going to blow their minds; and I did not want to hear anyone crying because Rocky is trying to stay strong (and be non-emotional).
So I started to have vodka shots - and let me say I do not know how many but I remained sober.
Then next day ( Tuesday) when I take my oldest son to school, some of the parents asked did I get my results. Confidently I tell them 'Yes' and I have "IT". This is why it is not always good to tell people what is going on in your life. The horrified look on their faces - INDESCRIBABLE. One parent was so distraught she had to go back home because she said she forgot what she had to do that day. Inside I was laughing at her (I don't know why?), but I felt sorry for her.
When I return home, I get a call from my (PCP) Primary Care Physician - who asked if I needed any help making appointments and if I needed someone to talk to I can come on in. I do not know about you, but I really do not want to tell anyone - but I do need someone to talk to...{There is actually a woman I met online in that support group who told me that as soon as she found out she called all her family and friends?! And their reactions made her feel worse.} And being that I did not know how to tell people about "IT" I decide to write about it in my Blog.
And for those who know about Breast Cancer, I have Ductal Carcinoma but not sure if it is Invasive or the other kind. And for those who do not know about Breast Cancer, there are about 4 different kinds and of course the Stages, but I will not know which until I meet with the (BS) Breast Specialist until next week...
So I hope all of you will join me in this JOURNEY of Prayer, Love and Hope...
Monday comes and I am a little not really worried, and the Radiologist calls me at 4:30 pm (as soon as I come home from picking up the kids from school). She says "I have you results from the Biopsy and unfortunately you have Breast Cancer. I'm sorry Raquel."
I don't know how I managed to muster the words - "it's ok, it's not your fault". She says, well the good news is - it is only 1 cm big and with all the new technology we have for Breast Cancer - it is treatable! You already know at this point everything she is telling me sounds like Charlie Brown. The Radiologist proceeds to give me a few phone numbers of some Breast Surgeons/Specialist. Then she asks if I have any questions, (which by now my thoughts are numb) - and if I need anything to call her.
I hang up the phone took a deep breath and started to make some phone calls to these Breast Surgeons that the Radiologist referred me to.
I am not the kind of person who freaks out as soon as I get some bad news, because it takes me a minute (or actually a few days), to process what is really going on. So of course, it is almost 5 pm at this time and the offices are closing and the receptionists who kindly answers the phone says, she will return my call tomorrow or I can call her. I tell her to call me ( because I am thinking in the back of my mind - this is all a bad dream and when I wake up tomorrow its' going to be all good.)
At this point I tell my husband who is non-reactive and he says, everything is going to be all right! I was so annoyed with him at this point that everything he said after that sounded like the Muppets. A little later, I have to tell my mother. I can not even describe the look on her face - not shocked, not upset, not worried - more like PISSED? And here I am thinking again, she is mad at me because of my cigarette smoking. She pulls out her big bottle of wine from her little purse and after a moment, asks me what the doctor said and what's next. I do not know if she was trying to process this news or what?!
Anyway, as my husband and her start to chat and I patiently ignore them - I am on my laptop looking for additional info and decided to join an online support group for those with Breast Cancer. I needed someone to talk to or to listen to who had experience and knew what I was going through. Because I already knew calling people with this shit, was going to blow their minds; and I did not want to hear anyone crying because Rocky is trying to stay strong (and be non-emotional).
So I started to have vodka shots - and let me say I do not know how many but I remained sober.
Then next day ( Tuesday) when I take my oldest son to school, some of the parents asked did I get my results. Confidently I tell them 'Yes' and I have "IT". This is why it is not always good to tell people what is going on in your life. The horrified look on their faces - INDESCRIBABLE. One parent was so distraught she had to go back home because she said she forgot what she had to do that day. Inside I was laughing at her (I don't know why?), but I felt sorry for her.
When I return home, I get a call from my (PCP) Primary Care Physician - who asked if I needed any help making appointments and if I needed someone to talk to I can come on in. I do not know about you, but I really do not want to tell anyone - but I do need someone to talk to...{There is actually a woman I met online in that support group who told me that as soon as she found out she called all her family and friends?! And their reactions made her feel worse.} And being that I did not know how to tell people about "IT" I decide to write about it in my Blog.
And for those who know about Breast Cancer, I have Ductal Carcinoma but not sure if it is Invasive or the other kind. And for those who do not know about Breast Cancer, there are about 4 different kinds and of course the Stages, but I will not know which until I meet with the (BS) Breast Specialist until next week...
So I hope all of you will join me in this JOURNEY of Prayer, Love and Hope...
Sunday, November 17, 2013
The Update
Last post I mention that I had a Mammogram for the first time three weeks before my birthday. They found a "mass" in my right breast, and I had to wait over a month for my next follow-up appointment. So I went to the follow-up appointment for additional testing, and during the Sonogram of the right breast they found the "abnormal mass." The Radiologist then hands me a yellow folder with the information concerning the abnormality of this "mass." She then proceeds to inform me that I need a Biopsy as soon as possible; with the contact information needed to make the appointment - all in this yellow folder. I take a deep breath and during my walk home, so many things are swimming around in my head. First - was to get home and eat before I drop (as well as my sugar), make the biopsy appointment, and pick-up the kids. Beyond that I could not think! My thoughts are numb as well as my emotions.
This all happened Wednesday morning and by the evening my PCP was calling to check up on me. She had seen the results from the additional Mammogram and the Sonogram, and wanted to make sure I made the appointment for the Biopsy. Not to mention she gives me a number for a referral for the Breast Surgeon? As I speak to the receptionist at the Breast Surgeon's office, she informs me I can not make an appointment for the Beast Specialist/Surgeon without a diagnosis from the results of the Biopsy. Apparently my PCP is anticipating surgery as a result from the Dx from the Biopsy and wanted to put a rush on everything. So of course this all has me wondering - is there something they are speculating without informing me?! And do I really want to know!
This is all nerve wrecking and has my stomach performing flip-flops. My Biopsy is scheduled for Friday which gives me the 24-48 hours of rest I need over the weekend before the following school week. Not to mention, the upcoming Thanksgiving Holiday...
The last thing I want to hear is the I have the Big C right before Christmas...
This all happened Wednesday morning and by the evening my PCP was calling to check up on me. She had seen the results from the additional Mammogram and the Sonogram, and wanted to make sure I made the appointment for the Biopsy. Not to mention she gives me a number for a referral for the Breast Surgeon? As I speak to the receptionist at the Breast Surgeon's office, she informs me I can not make an appointment for the Beast Specialist/Surgeon without a diagnosis from the results of the Biopsy. Apparently my PCP is anticipating surgery as a result from the Dx from the Biopsy and wanted to put a rush on everything. So of course this all has me wondering - is there something they are speculating without informing me?! And do I really want to know!
This is all nerve wrecking and has my stomach performing flip-flops. My Biopsy is scheduled for Friday which gives me the 24-48 hours of rest I need over the weekend before the following school week. Not to mention, the upcoming Thanksgiving Holiday...
The last thing I want to hear is the I have the Big C right before Christmas...
Friday, October 25, 2013
The Week b/4 Halloween...
And I am not for the Trick or the Treat...
There has been so much that has been going on the past several weeks!
Since I turned 40 a couple years ago my doctor insisted that I get my annual Mammogram. I already heard that it was uncomfortable, embarrassing and not let us forget - somewhat painful. Anyhoo, sometime in September the receptionist called me from network provider and made my appointment for the Mammography. Although extremely nervous and somewhat hesitant, I kept my appointment. And YES, it did hurt! BUT, I left there proud of myself for going through with it. I could not wait to get home and post on Facebook and Twitter to all my fellow peers, that every woman should get her yearly Mammogram!
" In 2009 shortly before my 20th High School Reunion, I had heard of about 4 fellow classmates that had some sort of cancer. Two of the ladies are Breast Cancer survivors, the other two ladies were not so lucky and succumbed to Cancer at an early age. All these things prompted me to go and I am glad I did! " This is what I was thinking of posting on my social media pages until...
Until I received a phone call the day after the Mammogram exam, and I was told they found a mass in my right breasts!? Additional test were needed and I had to make another appointment.
You can probably imagine the utter shock I was in?! I could not talk, I could not think, I could not even possibly imagine the what if...
I told my husband, because my mother was on a trip and she was the last person I wanted to talk to at that particular time.
So now I have to wait until mid-November for the additional tests, and I'm on pins-and-needles...
Blessed Mother please pray for us!
There has been so much that has been going on the past several weeks!
Since I turned 40 a couple years ago my doctor insisted that I get my annual Mammogram. I already heard that it was uncomfortable, embarrassing and not let us forget - somewhat painful. Anyhoo, sometime in September the receptionist called me from network provider and made my appointment for the Mammography. Although extremely nervous and somewhat hesitant, I kept my appointment. And YES, it did hurt! BUT, I left there proud of myself for going through with it. I could not wait to get home and post on Facebook and Twitter to all my fellow peers, that every woman should get her yearly Mammogram!
" In 2009 shortly before my 20th High School Reunion, I had heard of about 4 fellow classmates that had some sort of cancer. Two of the ladies are Breast Cancer survivors, the other two ladies were not so lucky and succumbed to Cancer at an early age. All these things prompted me to go and I am glad I did! " This is what I was thinking of posting on my social media pages until...
Until I received a phone call the day after the Mammogram exam, and I was told they found a mass in my right breasts!? Additional test were needed and I had to make another appointment.
You can probably imagine the utter shock I was in?! I could not talk, I could not think, I could not even possibly imagine the what if...
I told my husband, because my mother was on a trip and she was the last person I wanted to talk to at that particular time.
So now I have to wait until mid-November for the additional tests, and I'm on pins-and-needles...
Blessed Mother please pray for us!
Friday, September 6, 2013
GRATITUDE!
I am currently reading a book dealing with gratitude and our lack thereof. The book is called The Magic by Rhonda Byrne. It says that if we are more grateful for everything we have and things we have received, we will receive more of it! It's like magic. Part of reading the book includes a daily activity of writing ten things we are grateful for, and it is much simpler than it seems. It has a daily outline for 28 days of simple activities to do throughout the day during your normal routine. I am only on the 7th day and I can see & feel the magic happening already!
Well I feel more at peace with myself and within myself. I can not even explain it. But it also help me to realized how much I take advantage of the simplest things in life; we all do it! So part of my daily ritual now (after making my coffee & my bowl of oatmeal) - is to writes down the ten things I am grateful for:
1. I am grateful for my sons. (So many women can not have children & I was once one of them!)
2. I am grateful for my parents. (Many of my friends have only one parent or have lost them both!)
3. I am grateful for my nephew Ray Ray. (He lost his mother when he was young & taught me to be a better parent and a more understanding person.)
4. I am grateful for my boyfriend. (He helped to raise both my sons, when he could have left; and he is a great father to them.)
5. I am grateful for my health! ( Despite my health problems with high blood pressure & diabetes, I can walk and exercise.)
6. I am grateful for the money I receive. (Although I am broke, I managed to pay my bills every month!)
7. I am grateful for the food we have every month. (I am lucky enough to receive monthly food stamps.)
8. I am grateful for Martin & Michael! (They are such great company & I am no longer lonely...)
9. I am grateful for Diamond! (He helps me with the bills, the kids, anything we need around the house, & food; & puts up with my attitude.)
10. I am grateful for my LIFE! (My sister no longer has her life & is no longer with us.)
This list can go on and on. I try to write different things I am grateful for everyday. And before I go to sleep, I thank God the thing I am most grateful for that day!
Now I can feel the magic working on a daily basis...
I hope YOU will too...
Well I feel more at peace with myself and within myself. I can not even explain it. But it also help me to realized how much I take advantage of the simplest things in life; we all do it! So part of my daily ritual now (after making my coffee & my bowl of oatmeal) - is to writes down the ten things I am grateful for:
1. I am grateful for my sons. (So many women can not have children & I was once one of them!)
2. I am grateful for my parents. (Many of my friends have only one parent or have lost them both!)
3. I am grateful for my nephew Ray Ray. (He lost his mother when he was young & taught me to be a better parent and a more understanding person.)
4. I am grateful for my boyfriend. (He helped to raise both my sons, when he could have left; and he is a great father to them.)
5. I am grateful for my health! ( Despite my health problems with high blood pressure & diabetes, I can walk and exercise.)
6. I am grateful for the money I receive. (Although I am broke, I managed to pay my bills every month!)
7. I am grateful for the food we have every month. (I am lucky enough to receive monthly food stamps.)
8. I am grateful for Martin & Michael! (They are such great company & I am no longer lonely...)
9. I am grateful for Diamond! (He helps me with the bills, the kids, anything we need around the house, & food; & puts up with my attitude.)
10. I am grateful for my LIFE! (My sister no longer has her life & is no longer with us.)
This list can go on and on. I try to write different things I am grateful for everyday. And before I go to sleep, I thank God the thing I am most grateful for that day!
Now I can feel the magic working on a daily basis...
I hope YOU will too...
Thursday, August 29, 2013
TEN YEARS is a long time!
Ten Years is a long time but to me it seems like yesterday you just passed away! I think about all the good times we had - partying, drinking, clubbing and sometimes just sitting on the bench hanging out. We talked about where we would be when we were old and gray, watching our grandchildren play. Having cocktails on your front porch with that white picket fence you wanted. Reminiscing about the old dayz in the projects talking about everyone and snappin' on them. And just falling out laughing over the silliness. We had plans together - sisters forever. We still are sisters, but in a different forever.
I do not think that ANYONE can realize the turmoil I am in; I used to be in utter bitterness. I even resented certain people who were still alive and could have taken your place. I do not think like that anymore nor am I bitter. I learned not to question GOD and embrace his wrath. I mean we are Christians, isn't that what we are taught - to fear GOD and His wrath?!
I have always prayed for your soul, even though I knew you were in the Choir of Angels. As a Catholic, we pray Rosaries for the Dead who can no longer pray for themselves. I always thought it was too comfort us and to somehow maintain our Faith during grief. As I continued to search for answers and possible reasons, my Faith did become stronger and I no longer question GOD! And then I realized, it might be possible that your soul was suffering too. So last year in July I made a promise to myself to pray a rosary every morning for you and all our deceased relatives and friends, and even our ancestors.
Then I received an answer this morning for a question I was yearning to know, from a person I least suspected to receive it from.
The message was clear: " I'm her Guardian Angel and she (Lina) is with me " ...
( I will continue to pray my Rosaries everyday! I am no longer full of questions nor resentful - but at peace with myself and God; and I am no longer tormented because I know for sure where you are,
perhaps where you belonged all the time ) ...
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
In Memory of Kistian
On August 5th, 2013 - a friend and former classmate of mine Kistian Harris passed away in his sleep. He was only 41 years old. We went to Cardinal Spellman High School in the Bronx, NY. The same esteemed school in which Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor attended and graduated from in 1971.
I learned about Kistian's death when I received a phone call the following Tuesday evening. The call came from also a former classmate and dear friend - Nicole Tatum. Of course it was posted on his Facebook page, but both Nicole and I had somehow missed the announcement. I knew when my friend Nicole called it had to be something important. Neither her nor I seen each other in about two years, when we celebrated our 40th Birthdays. Nicole was a long time friend of Kistian but the relationship went sour over something minute.
The last time I seen Kistian was around 2008 when we were preparing for our 20th High School Reunion. We met up with another former classmate - Melanie and of course Nicole. We met up on 42nd Street at Dave & Busters for some dinner and drinks, and maybe some games. It was slightly raining that evening, but I was so excited to meet up with my old pals I have not seen in over 20 years. I happened to meet both Nicole and Kistian in that big train terminal. I remember we were looking for the elevators - which were not working - we decided to find the nearest exit up the stairs to the street. As Nicole and I dashed up the stairs, Kistian took his time and struggled up the stairs. Nicole then informed me secretly, that in Kistian's backpack was an oxygen tank! Of course to my dismay and shock, I did not ask why or how. All I can recall was my mind racing and I thinking to myself that I need to STOP smoking! We proceeded to Dave & Busters, found our former classmates, and reminisced about our high school dayz.
It was also this same evening that Kistian was the one who convinced me to log into Facebook and reconnect with some other former classmates online. Sometime that summer again, we met up in the Village and went to Calientes. Nicole came with two of her friends and as we waited for Kisitan who took too long, we decided to decided to proceed with dinner. Two hours later as we exited the restaurant, Kistian showed up. No excuses needed. All we could do is laugh - how could any of us be mad. I gave him my Calientes souvenir glass and reassured him I already had a collection. The excitement and look on his face was priceless!
I never realized that would be the last time I would see him!? He never made it to our 20th Reunion because he did not have the $85 fee for the dinner. I wish I had paid for his ticket...
On his Facebook page:
The last time I seen you was in 2008 which was almost 19 years since our HS graduation. And we picked up right where we left off - joking and snapping at one another! When I received a call from a fellow classmate telling me you passed away I wanted to cry. But knowing how we always laughed with each other, I smile instead - thinking of all the fun times we had - (esp. our Senior Trip) ....Never got a chance to tell you how much you made me laugh - Love you Brother Kistian Harris! I'll see you in my sleep...
I learned about Kistian's death when I received a phone call the following Tuesday evening. The call came from also a former classmate and dear friend - Nicole Tatum. Of course it was posted on his Facebook page, but both Nicole and I had somehow missed the announcement. I knew when my friend Nicole called it had to be something important. Neither her nor I seen each other in about two years, when we celebrated our 40th Birthdays. Nicole was a long time friend of Kistian but the relationship went sour over something minute.
The last time I seen Kistian was around 2008 when we were preparing for our 20th High School Reunion. We met up with another former classmate - Melanie and of course Nicole. We met up on 42nd Street at Dave & Busters for some dinner and drinks, and maybe some games. It was slightly raining that evening, but I was so excited to meet up with my old pals I have not seen in over 20 years. I happened to meet both Nicole and Kistian in that big train terminal. I remember we were looking for the elevators - which were not working - we decided to find the nearest exit up the stairs to the street. As Nicole and I dashed up the stairs, Kistian took his time and struggled up the stairs. Nicole then informed me secretly, that in Kistian's backpack was an oxygen tank! Of course to my dismay and shock, I did not ask why or how. All I can recall was my mind racing and I thinking to myself that I need to STOP smoking! We proceeded to Dave & Busters, found our former classmates, and reminisced about our high school dayz.
It was also this same evening that Kistian was the one who convinced me to log into Facebook and reconnect with some other former classmates online. Sometime that summer again, we met up in the Village and went to Calientes. Nicole came with two of her friends and as we waited for Kisitan who took too long, we decided to decided to proceed with dinner. Two hours later as we exited the restaurant, Kistian showed up. No excuses needed. All we could do is laugh - how could any of us be mad. I gave him my Calientes souvenir glass and reassured him I already had a collection. The excitement and look on his face was priceless!
I never realized that would be the last time I would see him!? He never made it to our 20th Reunion because he did not have the $85 fee for the dinner. I wish I had paid for his ticket...
On his Facebook page:
The last time I seen you was in 2008 which was almost 19 years since our HS graduation. And we picked up right where we left off - joking and snapping at one another! When I received a call from a fellow classmate telling me you passed away I wanted to cry. But knowing how we always laughed with each other, I smile instead - thinking of all the fun times we had - (esp. our Senior Trip) ....Never got a chance to tell you how much you made me laugh - Love you Brother Kistian Harris! I'll see you in my sleep...
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