So I have Breast Cancer, now what? Last Friday I went for a Biopsy of the right breast. The procedure itself was painless. The anticipation of having it done caused me great anxiety the days preceding the procedure. After being there for a few hours I was able to go home with a ice pack in my bra and hope for the best when I get my results after the weekend. I really do not know what I was thinking? I figured the "mass" which the Radiologist called a lesion - not a tumor, would be benign and I can a have a simple surgical procedure to have it removed!
Monday comes and I am a little not really worried, and the Radiologist calls me at 4:30 pm (as soon as I come home from picking up the kids from school). She says "I have you results from the Biopsy and unfortunately you have Breast Cancer. I'm sorry Raquel."
I don't know how I managed to muster the words - "it's ok, it's not your fault". She says, well the good news is - it is only 1 cm big and with all the new technology we have for Breast Cancer - it is treatable! You already know at this point everything she is telling me sounds like Charlie Brown. The Radiologist proceeds to give me a few phone numbers of some Breast Surgeons/Specialist. Then she asks if I have any questions, (which by now my thoughts are numb) - and if I need anything to call her.
I hang up the phone took a deep breath and started to make some phone calls to these Breast Surgeons that the Radiologist referred me to.
I am not the kind of person who freaks out as soon as I get some bad news, because it takes me a minute (or actually a few days), to process what is really going on. So of course, it is almost 5 pm at this time and the offices are closing and the receptionists who kindly answers the phone says, she will return my call tomorrow or I can call her. I tell her to call me ( because I am thinking in the back of my mind - this is all a bad dream and when I wake up tomorrow its' going to be all good.)
At this point I tell my husband who is non-reactive and he says, everything is going to be all right! I was so annoyed with him at this point that everything he said after that sounded like the Muppets. A little later, I have to tell my mother. I can not even describe the look on her face - not shocked, not upset, not worried - more like PISSED? And here I am thinking again, she is mad at me because of my cigarette smoking. She pulls out her big bottle of wine from her little purse and after a moment, asks me what the doctor said and what's next. I do not know if she was trying to process this news or what?!
Anyway, as my husband and her start to chat and I patiently ignore them - I am on my laptop looking for additional info and decided to join an online support group for those with Breast Cancer. I needed someone to talk to or to listen to who had experience and knew what I was going through. Because I already knew calling people with this shit, was going to blow their minds; and I did not want to hear anyone crying because Rocky is trying to stay strong (and be non-emotional).
So I started to have vodka shots - and let me say I do not know how many but I remained sober.
Then next day ( Tuesday) when I take my oldest son to school, some of the parents asked did I get my results. Confidently I tell them 'Yes' and I have "IT". This is why it is not always good to tell people what is going on in your life. The horrified look on their faces - INDESCRIBABLE. One parent was so distraught she had to go back home because she said she forgot what she had to do that day. Inside I was laughing at her (I don't know why?), but I felt sorry for her.
When I return home, I get a call from my (PCP) Primary Care Physician - who asked if I needed any help making appointments and if I needed someone to talk to I can come on in. I do not know about you, but I really do not want to tell anyone - but I do need someone to talk to...{There is actually a woman I met online in that support group who told me that as soon as she found out she called all her family and friends?! And their reactions made her feel worse.} And being that I did not know how to tell people about "IT" I decide to write about it in my Blog.
And for those who know about Breast Cancer, I have Ductal Carcinoma but not sure if it is Invasive or the other kind. And for those who do not know about Breast Cancer, there are about 4 different kinds and of course the Stages, but I will not know which until I meet with the (BS) Breast Specialist until next week...
So I hope all of you will join me in this JOURNEY of Prayer, Love and Hope...
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Sunday, November 17, 2013
The Update
Last post I mention that I had a Mammogram for the first time three weeks before my birthday. They found a "mass" in my right breast, and I had to wait over a month for my next follow-up appointment. So I went to the follow-up appointment for additional testing, and during the Sonogram of the right breast they found the "abnormal mass." The Radiologist then hands me a yellow folder with the information concerning the abnormality of this "mass." She then proceeds to inform me that I need a Biopsy as soon as possible; with the contact information needed to make the appointment - all in this yellow folder. I take a deep breath and during my walk home, so many things are swimming around in my head. First - was to get home and eat before I drop (as well as my sugar), make the biopsy appointment, and pick-up the kids. Beyond that I could not think! My thoughts are numb as well as my emotions.
This all happened Wednesday morning and by the evening my PCP was calling to check up on me. She had seen the results from the additional Mammogram and the Sonogram, and wanted to make sure I made the appointment for the Biopsy. Not to mention she gives me a number for a referral for the Breast Surgeon? As I speak to the receptionist at the Breast Surgeon's office, she informs me I can not make an appointment for the Beast Specialist/Surgeon without a diagnosis from the results of the Biopsy. Apparently my PCP is anticipating surgery as a result from the Dx from the Biopsy and wanted to put a rush on everything. So of course this all has me wondering - is there something they are speculating without informing me?! And do I really want to know!
This is all nerve wrecking and has my stomach performing flip-flops. My Biopsy is scheduled for Friday which gives me the 24-48 hours of rest I need over the weekend before the following school week. Not to mention, the upcoming Thanksgiving Holiday...
The last thing I want to hear is the I have the Big C right before Christmas...
This all happened Wednesday morning and by the evening my PCP was calling to check up on me. She had seen the results from the additional Mammogram and the Sonogram, and wanted to make sure I made the appointment for the Biopsy. Not to mention she gives me a number for a referral for the Breast Surgeon? As I speak to the receptionist at the Breast Surgeon's office, she informs me I can not make an appointment for the Beast Specialist/Surgeon without a diagnosis from the results of the Biopsy. Apparently my PCP is anticipating surgery as a result from the Dx from the Biopsy and wanted to put a rush on everything. So of course this all has me wondering - is there something they are speculating without informing me?! And do I really want to know!
This is all nerve wrecking and has my stomach performing flip-flops. My Biopsy is scheduled for Friday which gives me the 24-48 hours of rest I need over the weekend before the following school week. Not to mention, the upcoming Thanksgiving Holiday...
The last thing I want to hear is the I have the Big C right before Christmas...
Friday, October 25, 2013
The Week b/4 Halloween...
And I am not for the Trick or the Treat...
There has been so much that has been going on the past several weeks!
Since I turned 40 a couple years ago my doctor insisted that I get my annual Mammogram. I already heard that it was uncomfortable, embarrassing and not let us forget - somewhat painful. Anyhoo, sometime in September the receptionist called me from network provider and made my appointment for the Mammography. Although extremely nervous and somewhat hesitant, I kept my appointment. And YES, it did hurt! BUT, I left there proud of myself for going through with it. I could not wait to get home and post on Facebook and Twitter to all my fellow peers, that every woman should get her yearly Mammogram!
" In 2009 shortly before my 20th High School Reunion, I had heard of about 4 fellow classmates that had some sort of cancer. Two of the ladies are Breast Cancer survivors, the other two ladies were not so lucky and succumbed to Cancer at an early age. All these things prompted me to go and I am glad I did! " This is what I was thinking of posting on my social media pages until...
Until I received a phone call the day after the Mammogram exam, and I was told they found a mass in my right breasts!? Additional test were needed and I had to make another appointment.
You can probably imagine the utter shock I was in?! I could not talk, I could not think, I could not even possibly imagine the what if...
I told my husband, because my mother was on a trip and she was the last person I wanted to talk to at that particular time.
So now I have to wait until mid-November for the additional tests, and I'm on pins-and-needles...
Blessed Mother please pray for us!
There has been so much that has been going on the past several weeks!
Since I turned 40 a couple years ago my doctor insisted that I get my annual Mammogram. I already heard that it was uncomfortable, embarrassing and not let us forget - somewhat painful. Anyhoo, sometime in September the receptionist called me from network provider and made my appointment for the Mammography. Although extremely nervous and somewhat hesitant, I kept my appointment. And YES, it did hurt! BUT, I left there proud of myself for going through with it. I could not wait to get home and post on Facebook and Twitter to all my fellow peers, that every woman should get her yearly Mammogram!
" In 2009 shortly before my 20th High School Reunion, I had heard of about 4 fellow classmates that had some sort of cancer. Two of the ladies are Breast Cancer survivors, the other two ladies were not so lucky and succumbed to Cancer at an early age. All these things prompted me to go and I am glad I did! " This is what I was thinking of posting on my social media pages until...
Until I received a phone call the day after the Mammogram exam, and I was told they found a mass in my right breasts!? Additional test were needed and I had to make another appointment.
You can probably imagine the utter shock I was in?! I could not talk, I could not think, I could not even possibly imagine the what if...
I told my husband, because my mother was on a trip and she was the last person I wanted to talk to at that particular time.
So now I have to wait until mid-November for the additional tests, and I'm on pins-and-needles...
Blessed Mother please pray for us!
Friday, September 6, 2013
GRATITUDE!
I am currently reading a book dealing with gratitude and our lack thereof. The book is called The Magic by Rhonda Byrne. It says that if we are more grateful for everything we have and things we have received, we will receive more of it! It's like magic. Part of reading the book includes a daily activity of writing ten things we are grateful for, and it is much simpler than it seems. It has a daily outline for 28 days of simple activities to do throughout the day during your normal routine. I am only on the 7th day and I can see & feel the magic happening already!
Well I feel more at peace with myself and within myself. I can not even explain it. But it also help me to realized how much I take advantage of the simplest things in life; we all do it! So part of my daily ritual now (after making my coffee & my bowl of oatmeal) - is to writes down the ten things I am grateful for:
1. I am grateful for my sons. (So many women can not have children & I was once one of them!)
2. I am grateful for my parents. (Many of my friends have only one parent or have lost them both!)
3. I am grateful for my nephew Ray Ray. (He lost his mother when he was young & taught me to be a better parent and a more understanding person.)
4. I am grateful for my boyfriend. (He helped to raise both my sons, when he could have left; and he is a great father to them.)
5. I am grateful for my health! ( Despite my health problems with high blood pressure & diabetes, I can walk and exercise.)
6. I am grateful for the money I receive. (Although I am broke, I managed to pay my bills every month!)
7. I am grateful for the food we have every month. (I am lucky enough to receive monthly food stamps.)
8. I am grateful for Martin & Michael! (They are such great company & I am no longer lonely...)
9. I am grateful for Diamond! (He helps me with the bills, the kids, anything we need around the house, & food; & puts up with my attitude.)
10. I am grateful for my LIFE! (My sister no longer has her life & is no longer with us.)
This list can go on and on. I try to write different things I am grateful for everyday. And before I go to sleep, I thank God the thing I am most grateful for that day!
Now I can feel the magic working on a daily basis...
I hope YOU will too...
Well I feel more at peace with myself and within myself. I can not even explain it. But it also help me to realized how much I take advantage of the simplest things in life; we all do it! So part of my daily ritual now (after making my coffee & my bowl of oatmeal) - is to writes down the ten things I am grateful for:
1. I am grateful for my sons. (So many women can not have children & I was once one of them!)
2. I am grateful for my parents. (Many of my friends have only one parent or have lost them both!)
3. I am grateful for my nephew Ray Ray. (He lost his mother when he was young & taught me to be a better parent and a more understanding person.)
4. I am grateful for my boyfriend. (He helped to raise both my sons, when he could have left; and he is a great father to them.)
5. I am grateful for my health! ( Despite my health problems with high blood pressure & diabetes, I can walk and exercise.)
6. I am grateful for the money I receive. (Although I am broke, I managed to pay my bills every month!)
7. I am grateful for the food we have every month. (I am lucky enough to receive monthly food stamps.)
8. I am grateful for Martin & Michael! (They are such great company & I am no longer lonely...)
9. I am grateful for Diamond! (He helps me with the bills, the kids, anything we need around the house, & food; & puts up with my attitude.)
10. I am grateful for my LIFE! (My sister no longer has her life & is no longer with us.)
This list can go on and on. I try to write different things I am grateful for everyday. And before I go to sleep, I thank God the thing I am most grateful for that day!
Now I can feel the magic working on a daily basis...
I hope YOU will too...
Thursday, August 29, 2013
TEN YEARS is a long time!
Ten Years is a long time but to me it seems like yesterday you just passed away! I think about all the good times we had - partying, drinking, clubbing and sometimes just sitting on the bench hanging out. We talked about where we would be when we were old and gray, watching our grandchildren play. Having cocktails on your front porch with that white picket fence you wanted. Reminiscing about the old dayz in the projects talking about everyone and snappin' on them. And just falling out laughing over the silliness. We had plans together - sisters forever. We still are sisters, but in a different forever.
I do not think that ANYONE can realize the turmoil I am in; I used to be in utter bitterness. I even resented certain people who were still alive and could have taken your place. I do not think like that anymore nor am I bitter. I learned not to question GOD and embrace his wrath. I mean we are Christians, isn't that what we are taught - to fear GOD and His wrath?!
I have always prayed for your soul, even though I knew you were in the Choir of Angels. As a Catholic, we pray Rosaries for the Dead who can no longer pray for themselves. I always thought it was too comfort us and to somehow maintain our Faith during grief. As I continued to search for answers and possible reasons, my Faith did become stronger and I no longer question GOD! And then I realized, it might be possible that your soul was suffering too. So last year in July I made a promise to myself to pray a rosary every morning for you and all our deceased relatives and friends, and even our ancestors.
Then I received an answer this morning for a question I was yearning to know, from a person I least suspected to receive it from.
The message was clear: " I'm her Guardian Angel and she (Lina) is with me " ...
( I will continue to pray my Rosaries everyday! I am no longer full of questions nor resentful - but at peace with myself and God; and I am no longer tormented because I know for sure where you are,
perhaps where you belonged all the time ) ...
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
In Memory of Kistian
On August 5th, 2013 - a friend and former classmate of mine Kistian Harris passed away in his sleep. He was only 41 years old. We went to Cardinal Spellman High School in the Bronx, NY. The same esteemed school in which Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor attended and graduated from in 1971.
I learned about Kistian's death when I received a phone call the following Tuesday evening. The call came from also a former classmate and dear friend - Nicole Tatum. Of course it was posted on his Facebook page, but both Nicole and I had somehow missed the announcement. I knew when my friend Nicole called it had to be something important. Neither her nor I seen each other in about two years, when we celebrated our 40th Birthdays. Nicole was a long time friend of Kistian but the relationship went sour over something minute.
The last time I seen Kistian was around 2008 when we were preparing for our 20th High School Reunion. We met up with another former classmate - Melanie and of course Nicole. We met up on 42nd Street at Dave & Busters for some dinner and drinks, and maybe some games. It was slightly raining that evening, but I was so excited to meet up with my old pals I have not seen in over 20 years. I happened to meet both Nicole and Kistian in that big train terminal. I remember we were looking for the elevators - which were not working - we decided to find the nearest exit up the stairs to the street. As Nicole and I dashed up the stairs, Kistian took his time and struggled up the stairs. Nicole then informed me secretly, that in Kistian's backpack was an oxygen tank! Of course to my dismay and shock, I did not ask why or how. All I can recall was my mind racing and I thinking to myself that I need to STOP smoking! We proceeded to Dave & Busters, found our former classmates, and reminisced about our high school dayz.
It was also this same evening that Kistian was the one who convinced me to log into Facebook and reconnect with some other former classmates online. Sometime that summer again, we met up in the Village and went to Calientes. Nicole came with two of her friends and as we waited for Kisitan who took too long, we decided to decided to proceed with dinner. Two hours later as we exited the restaurant, Kistian showed up. No excuses needed. All we could do is laugh - how could any of us be mad. I gave him my Calientes souvenir glass and reassured him I already had a collection. The excitement and look on his face was priceless!
I never realized that would be the last time I would see him!? He never made it to our 20th Reunion because he did not have the $85 fee for the dinner. I wish I had paid for his ticket...
On his Facebook page:
The last time I seen you was in 2008 which was almost 19 years since our HS graduation. And we picked up right where we left off - joking and snapping at one another! When I received a call from a fellow classmate telling me you passed away I wanted to cry. But knowing how we always laughed with each other, I smile instead - thinking of all the fun times we had - (esp. our Senior Trip) ....Never got a chance to tell you how much you made me laugh - Love you Brother Kistian Harris! I'll see you in my sleep...
I learned about Kistian's death when I received a phone call the following Tuesday evening. The call came from also a former classmate and dear friend - Nicole Tatum. Of course it was posted on his Facebook page, but both Nicole and I had somehow missed the announcement. I knew when my friend Nicole called it had to be something important. Neither her nor I seen each other in about two years, when we celebrated our 40th Birthdays. Nicole was a long time friend of Kistian but the relationship went sour over something minute.
The last time I seen Kistian was around 2008 when we were preparing for our 20th High School Reunion. We met up with another former classmate - Melanie and of course Nicole. We met up on 42nd Street at Dave & Busters for some dinner and drinks, and maybe some games. It was slightly raining that evening, but I was so excited to meet up with my old pals I have not seen in over 20 years. I happened to meet both Nicole and Kistian in that big train terminal. I remember we were looking for the elevators - which were not working - we decided to find the nearest exit up the stairs to the street. As Nicole and I dashed up the stairs, Kistian took his time and struggled up the stairs. Nicole then informed me secretly, that in Kistian's backpack was an oxygen tank! Of course to my dismay and shock, I did not ask why or how. All I can recall was my mind racing and I thinking to myself that I need to STOP smoking! We proceeded to Dave & Busters, found our former classmates, and reminisced about our high school dayz.
It was also this same evening that Kistian was the one who convinced me to log into Facebook and reconnect with some other former classmates online. Sometime that summer again, we met up in the Village and went to Calientes. Nicole came with two of her friends and as we waited for Kisitan who took too long, we decided to decided to proceed with dinner. Two hours later as we exited the restaurant, Kistian showed up. No excuses needed. All we could do is laugh - how could any of us be mad. I gave him my Calientes souvenir glass and reassured him I already had a collection. The excitement and look on his face was priceless!
I never realized that would be the last time I would see him!? He never made it to our 20th Reunion because he did not have the $85 fee for the dinner. I wish I had paid for his ticket...
On his Facebook page:
The last time I seen you was in 2008 which was almost 19 years since our HS graduation. And we picked up right where we left off - joking and snapping at one another! When I received a call from a fellow classmate telling me you passed away I wanted to cry. But knowing how we always laughed with each other, I smile instead - thinking of all the fun times we had - (esp. our Senior Trip) ....Never got a chance to tell you how much you made me laugh - Love you Brother Kistian Harris! I'll see you in my sleep...
Friday, August 2, 2013
Public Assistance = Depression
I would really like to talk to the critics of Welfare programs, in which they say WE are lazy and are getting "fat" off the land. Because I can tell you personally there is nothing easy about going to the Public Assistance office with your children and being "frowned upon" by an uneducated, lowly-paid Caseworker. I should know because I was once one of them! Since I did not complete my College education, the next best thing was finding employment with the city - unionized, salary, full benefits, set hours, even the chance for promotion - all without having a college education. More humiliating is the fact that I am receiving benefits at the same location I was once employed. Mind you the days preceding the mandatory appointment, my anxiety is at an all-star high! I'm chain smoking, biting my finger-nails, pulling my hair, etc. (What I really need is probably is a drink, but I won't go there.) This emotion is probably compounded by the fact we have not moved yet, don't know when and still have yet to receive word on any $ !?
Going to my appointment with both children in tow, just validated the fact that we actually might be here for another few months! If I already had moved I probably would not have even cared. The worst is disappointing the kids. I should have known better then to tell them anything. Here we are the first of August and not one thing packed. I have not even cleaned or thrown some things out because I am so disappointed with myself and ...My mother always told me not to depend on anyone or anything, and don't count on $ you have not seen - not even your paycheck! Nothing is guaranteed...
All I know is that I am extremely upset, depressed and even somewhat disgusted! I set myself up, for setting my dreams so unrealistically. I can feel myself about to throw-up or hyper-ventilate. And I do not like to do neither. But as I watch the news, I have to admit I do not have it so bad - things CAN be worst. Even praying does not help at times! Sometimes I get so upset that I'm ready to throw my own Bible. Who wants to pray at a time like this or can you actually pray - I know we should all pray during these desperate time.
However, exercise can help (or so they say). To be honest, writing about all these ordeals are so cathartic.
I can actually write a book about this "welfare depression" and admit to myself that WE are from humble beginnings. Either way I will tell anyone who is depressed or need someone to talk to - talk to yourself! Write your feelings down in like a journal - it is actually liberating. (Yeah right who am I kidding.) I think anyone who is on the system - willingly or reluctantly - has to be depressed! This not about getting over like a fat rat. It is about self-improvement, and positive change...Seeking for the light....
Going to my appointment with both children in tow, just validated the fact that we actually might be here for another few months! If I already had moved I probably would not have even cared. The worst is disappointing the kids. I should have known better then to tell them anything. Here we are the first of August and not one thing packed. I have not even cleaned or thrown some things out because I am so disappointed with myself and ...My mother always told me not to depend on anyone or anything, and don't count on $ you have not seen - not even your paycheck! Nothing is guaranteed...
All I know is that I am extremely upset, depressed and even somewhat disgusted! I set myself up, for setting my dreams so unrealistically. I can feel myself about to throw-up or hyper-ventilate. And I do not like to do neither. But as I watch the news, I have to admit I do not have it so bad - things CAN be worst. Even praying does not help at times! Sometimes I get so upset that I'm ready to throw my own Bible. Who wants to pray at a time like this or can you actually pray - I know we should all pray during these desperate time.
However, exercise can help (or so they say). To be honest, writing about all these ordeals are so cathartic.
I can actually write a book about this "welfare depression" and admit to myself that WE are from humble beginnings. Either way I will tell anyone who is depressed or need someone to talk to - talk to yourself! Write your feelings down in like a journal - it is actually liberating. (Yeah right who am I kidding.) I think anyone who is on the system - willingly or reluctantly - has to be depressed! This not about getting over like a fat rat. It is about self-improvement, and positive change...Seeking for the light....
Monday, July 29, 2013
Waiting for Something to Happen When It Doesn't
Since September 2012, I started my quest of relocating and searching for a house. My mother accepted a settlement in a medical malpractice lawsuit in which my younger and only sibling erroneously passed away. This case lasted over 7 years, although she passed away 9 years ago. So I embarked on this journey which much anticipation and excitement! We already decided we would wait for my children to complete the school year which just passed in June. Giving us much needed time to research cities and schools to relocate, and properties that would give us more for our money. Not to mention the stressful task of throwing away things and perhaps to start packing. But as I searched and researched locations, I realized this was not going to be easy; especially when we were looking for two houses in the same area. Then came another task of researching ways to invest our money, which none of us have any prior knowledge. Of course we could ask close friends who we knew were doing financially well and would not mind sharing their expertise. This too seemed to be a difficult task because even close allies would not want to "share" their SECRETS. (Thank God for GOOGLE.)
As several months passed by, still no check?! My mother contacted her attorney (who came well recommended) who could not tell us much of anything but there was some kind of hold-up in the judicial system. So much for our anticipation and excitement, which started to diminish. Okay so we are waiting for the kids to complete the school year anyway - so we have time. We narrowed down our search to the state of Florida and even came up with two cities. I researched school ratings and called a couple of old college buddies and some high school friends that had since relocated to FL from NY, for more geographic information. I mean after all, the pictures on the internet are so convincing. I even subscribed to the local newspapers in these locations to monitor the crime statistics and things of that nature. As June was approaching still no check but we contacted a Realtor anyway. We still did not start the process of getting rid of junk and/or packing.
July came and we started to get really anxious because we wanted to relocate soon because Florida schools start in August, unlike New York which begins in September. Mother continue to make phone calls to the attorney and still the run-around and the same excuse of the judicial system. All of a sudden this past week, in which I had not even start to collect all the necessary documents for the kids, we get a Motion in the mail about something they are "vacating" and a court appearance for September?!
We waited so long I could not even react emotionally. We were already starting to hesitate because of time, the new school term beginning, and certain circumstances regarding FL and the media - to relocate to another area much closer to NYC.
All I keep saying is that things happen for a reason in which we can not control, and we just have to accept it and move on...
Although I am disappointed right now, the disappointed looks on my children's faces is disheartening...We will eventually move and my kids will have a better life in which they have now - but we just have to sit and WAIT...
As several months passed by, still no check?! My mother contacted her attorney (who came well recommended) who could not tell us much of anything but there was some kind of hold-up in the judicial system. So much for our anticipation and excitement, which started to diminish. Okay so we are waiting for the kids to complete the school year anyway - so we have time. We narrowed down our search to the state of Florida and even came up with two cities. I researched school ratings and called a couple of old college buddies and some high school friends that had since relocated to FL from NY, for more geographic information. I mean after all, the pictures on the internet are so convincing. I even subscribed to the local newspapers in these locations to monitor the crime statistics and things of that nature. As June was approaching still no check but we contacted a Realtor anyway. We still did not start the process of getting rid of junk and/or packing.
July came and we started to get really anxious because we wanted to relocate soon because Florida schools start in August, unlike New York which begins in September. Mother continue to make phone calls to the attorney and still the run-around and the same excuse of the judicial system. All of a sudden this past week, in which I had not even start to collect all the necessary documents for the kids, we get a Motion in the mail about something they are "vacating" and a court appearance for September?!
We waited so long I could not even react emotionally. We were already starting to hesitate because of time, the new school term beginning, and certain circumstances regarding FL and the media - to relocate to another area much closer to NYC.
All I keep saying is that things happen for a reason in which we can not control, and we just have to accept it and move on...
Although I am disappointed right now, the disappointed looks on my children's faces is disheartening...We will eventually move and my kids will have a better life in which they have now - but we just have to sit and WAIT...
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Can a Re-post on Fb Actually be OFFENSIVE?
If you read my blog from last week, you will recall that I was talking about the Zimmerman case in Sanford, FL in which a young teenager was shot and killed - name Trayvon Martin. I happen to be on Fb and Twitter the whole week reading all these reports and comments on my news feed. One of the links I re-tweeted or "share" on Fb was from an unreliable news source. As a current student in an online college, I should have known better to have checked the validity of the news source. And the link came from an educated colleague of mine therefore I did not hesitate to re-tweet or "share."
Luckily I checked on my Fb page and realized that one of the links or news report was a hoax. So I thanked the person on my page for letting me know. It never occurred to me to delete the link. Lo & Behold I receive two comments from two different people on both links - who are acquaintances of mine - that the stories I posted were "both disgusting and a hoax and that I was no better than the unreliable news sources who posted this offensive garbage" ! Of course, I myself was offended and embarrassed that both these individuals had the NERVE to talk to me in that manner and of all things to post their discontent on MY page. I really wanted to give both these individuals a piece of my mind and publicly humiliate them! I even thought about apologizing to both individuals and then removing them from my Fb page. But I just decided to delete both links...
I really could not understand what was the Big Deal? I did not post something offensive about neither one of them? I did not even COMMENT on the links I re-posted. All I know is that this happened last week sometime and I am still pissed about the situation. How should I have handled that anyway? What would you have done?
I am just going to keep "sharing"/ re-tweeting messages of Christianity, Light & Peace, and Information that might actually help individuals - like I been doing for the past year...
(Below are the links I had inadvertently re-posted) :
http://nationalreport.net/george-zimmerman-files-civil-suit-against-trayvon-martins-parents-for-being-brutally-attacked-by-their-juvenile-son/
http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2012/07/witness-alleges-george-zimmerman-sexually-abused-her-as-child/1#.Ue9ZKNJwp8M
Luckily I checked on my Fb page and realized that one of the links or news report was a hoax. So I thanked the person on my page for letting me know. It never occurred to me to delete the link. Lo & Behold I receive two comments from two different people on both links - who are acquaintances of mine - that the stories I posted were "both disgusting and a hoax and that I was no better than the unreliable news sources who posted this offensive garbage" ! Of course, I myself was offended and embarrassed that both these individuals had the NERVE to talk to me in that manner and of all things to post their discontent on MY page. I really wanted to give both these individuals a piece of my mind and publicly humiliate them! I even thought about apologizing to both individuals and then removing them from my Fb page. But I just decided to delete both links...
I really could not understand what was the Big Deal? I did not post something offensive about neither one of them? I did not even COMMENT on the links I re-posted. All I know is that this happened last week sometime and I am still pissed about the situation. How should I have handled that anyway? What would you have done?
I am just going to keep "sharing"/ re-tweeting messages of Christianity, Light & Peace, and Information that might actually help individuals - like I been doing for the past year...
(Below are the links I had inadvertently re-posted) :
http://nationalreport.net/george-zimmerman-files-civil-suit-against-trayvon-martins-parents-for-being-brutally-attacked-by-their-juvenile-son/
http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2012/07/witness-alleges-george-zimmerman-sexually-abused-her-as-child/1#.Ue9ZKNJwp8M
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Is It Really Justice?!
You have to be completely a hermit or under a rock with no outside communication to the world not to know the verdict last night of George Zimmerman against Trayvon Martin! I think EVERONE around the World was glued to the TV last night awaiting the results of the "Zimmerman" trial. Although I kept insisting to my husband that the result was going to be a Hung Jury/ Mistrial, he knew Zimmerman was going to face some kind of prison time. Even as we watch CNN all day and waited as the jury of 6 women (five white women and one woman of color), render the verdict of "NOT GUILTY" - I still was in disbelief! I can not believe that any woman, with or without children, would allow a man who murdered an innocent teenager - to be set FREED...
As a Hispanic woman of bi-racial children - I was shocked and appalled! And why should I be? I was raised in the projects of Harlem and have seen injustice prevail on numerous occasions. Although I knew deep down inside Zimmerman was going to be acquitted, I held steadfast unto my faith knowing that justice will prevail. And I still believe that, because I firmly believe in Karma.
Now knowing about Florida's STAND YOUR GROUND Law, I might have to re-consider my decision to relocate to Florida this month. I was actually preparing for this move since mid-September. I wanted to give my children a better life - out of Harlem - out of the projects - out of the ghetto! I wanted them to go to sleep at night without hearing the sounds of gun violence, and to awaken in a house where they would be safe to play in their own backyard. But will they be safe? Are any of us safe?
But what can WE do? Is there anything that WE can do? All I can do is PRAY?
And I PRAY for Peace for Us ALL...
As a Hispanic woman of bi-racial children - I was shocked and appalled! And why should I be? I was raised in the projects of Harlem and have seen injustice prevail on numerous occasions. Although I knew deep down inside Zimmerman was going to be acquitted, I held steadfast unto my faith knowing that justice will prevail. And I still believe that, because I firmly believe in Karma.
Now knowing about Florida's STAND YOUR GROUND Law, I might have to re-consider my decision to relocate to Florida this month. I was actually preparing for this move since mid-September. I wanted to give my children a better life - out of Harlem - out of the projects - out of the ghetto! I wanted them to go to sleep at night without hearing the sounds of gun violence, and to awaken in a house where they would be safe to play in their own backyard. But will they be safe? Are any of us safe?
But what can WE do? Is there anything that WE can do? All I can do is PRAY?
And I PRAY for Peace for Us ALL...
Thursday, June 6, 2013
The Difficult Spouses
The conversation I dread having with my spouse is always about my ex-spouse. Why we always end up on a conversation about him is beyond me. But it never fails a few weeks will not go by without a mere reference to him. I do not think the current spouse is jealous of the ex-spouse but I do think he is intimidated of the relationship I had with him. Of course I thought I was in love with my ex-spouse, but I was younger and did not make wise choices. Besides, I can not be in love with someone who does not love me! When a person gets remarried a second even a third time, you should have it all together by then. You should be older, wiser and more confident in making the right choice. And from a woman's perspective, we tend to look for someone who is not like the first spouse - in every way.
Well recently my ex-spouse suffered a brain aneurysm and is in a hospital upstate. The doctors operated on his brain and then they called for the next-of-kin. He is currently in ICU in Critical! When I got the call from my ex sister-in-law, I did not know what to say?! I am actually still in shock. I have not been able to sleep or eat. The worst is I do not have anyone to talk to about it. How can I go to the current spouse and tell him how hurt or traumatized I feel! I can talk to my mother because she is overly melodramatic. And God forbid my ex-spouse shall die - do I go to the funeral or not? Do I have the right to go; or do they ( the ex in-laws) even want me to go?! I mean, they did call to inform me in which they could have just said "f*ck her". This has been the most agonizing two days. And why should I be so concerned? Well I am human, and a lost of life is never a pleasant circumstance.
Another problem is that my oldest son is the biological son of my ex-spouse. Everyone knows because my ex-husband requested a DNA test from me in Family Court. I had relations with my ex-spouse after I filed for a Divorce, and the result was my oldest son. Therefore when I received the results of the DNA, I made sure the ex in-laws received a copy - all of them! However, my current spouse raised him and my son thinks that is his real father. So if my son never met his biological father and he dies, why tell him now? My son is 9 years old and at a very impressionable age, and very mature. This is another reason why my ex in-laws are not too happy about the situation. They know my oldest son does not know the truth. But yet they have never made an effort to come see him or even call him - never mind a gift for his birthday or holidays. So why do I have to explain myself now or make excuses? I ask myself this often. And I tell myself that I should not feel guilty for what I've done...
My ex-spouse was not a good man nor a decent human being - but I did loved him at one time, in love with him to be specific! It was just a shame that he would never had known what it is to be truly in-love someone because of the demons he was chasing. When we broke up, I told him "I did not hate him nor despised him, and I wished him All The Best." (everyone makes mistakes) And the last words he said to me was "I loved you before we got married, I loved you while we were married and I loved you after we got divorced."
That is something I will always keep dear to my heart in memory of him...
Well recently my ex-spouse suffered a brain aneurysm and is in a hospital upstate. The doctors operated on his brain and then they called for the next-of-kin. He is currently in ICU in Critical! When I got the call from my ex sister-in-law, I did not know what to say?! I am actually still in shock. I have not been able to sleep or eat. The worst is I do not have anyone to talk to about it. How can I go to the current spouse and tell him how hurt or traumatized I feel! I can talk to my mother because she is overly melodramatic. And God forbid my ex-spouse shall die - do I go to the funeral or not? Do I have the right to go; or do they ( the ex in-laws) even want me to go?! I mean, they did call to inform me in which they could have just said "f*ck her". This has been the most agonizing two days. And why should I be so concerned? Well I am human, and a lost of life is never a pleasant circumstance.
Another problem is that my oldest son is the biological son of my ex-spouse. Everyone knows because my ex-husband requested a DNA test from me in Family Court. I had relations with my ex-spouse after I filed for a Divorce, and the result was my oldest son. Therefore when I received the results of the DNA, I made sure the ex in-laws received a copy - all of them! However, my current spouse raised him and my son thinks that is his real father. So if my son never met his biological father and he dies, why tell him now? My son is 9 years old and at a very impressionable age, and very mature. This is another reason why my ex in-laws are not too happy about the situation. They know my oldest son does not know the truth. But yet they have never made an effort to come see him or even call him - never mind a gift for his birthday or holidays. So why do I have to explain myself now or make excuses? I ask myself this often. And I tell myself that I should not feel guilty for what I've done...
My ex-spouse was not a good man nor a decent human being - but I did loved him at one time, in love with him to be specific! It was just a shame that he would never had known what it is to be truly in-love someone because of the demons he was chasing. When we broke up, I told him "I did not hate him nor despised him, and I wished him All The Best." (everyone makes mistakes) And the last words he said to me was "I loved you before we got married, I loved you while we were married and I loved you after we got divorced."
That is something I will always keep dear to my heart in memory of him...
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Everything You Wanted to Tell Your Mother & Wouldn't ...
This is not just everthing I wanted to tell my mother but couldn't! But doing so in a respectful manner. It comes to a point in your life when you say "enough is enough. I am in control of my life - not you or anyone else" ...
As a child I was always annoyed, bothered, and sometimes stressed. My father did not notice this, but what he did tell me is that as I got older I would harbor ill feelings towards people and at the wrong time I would finally explode. I now realize that people or family who irritated me then still irritate me. So I made a conscious decision to give them a piece of my mind and now I have peace. I do not tolerate ignorance or nonsense and closed those chapters in my life, of people and/ or family members who do not share the same values or thought processes as myself. In other words, I stay away from negativity and only allow those around me who are positive. I have far fewer friends now in my 40s than in my 20s. I even have far lesser family members that I associate with or even speak to, and I do not feel any bit of shame or sorrow.
Anyway the situation that arised which prompted this blog, was an argument about my husband and how he talks to my oldest son. My husband is not the biological father of my eldest son, my ex-spouse is who is currently in a correctional facility for a Life-term sentence. I explained to my mother calmly that my son is in the 4th grade and is slacking off and needs stern discipline. If I did not agree with his form of discipline then I would not allow it! This is the second time she mentioned this to me that "he is not his real father and has no right to talk to him in any kind of way!" WHAT?! This is the same man that has bought him shoes, boots, sneakers, coats, clothes, hats & scarves. And has spent time with him playing basketball, games, doing homework, taking care of him when he is sick, and picks him up from school. Another problem with this situation is that my son does not know that my husband is not his biological father. And I do not feel he should know right now. I do not want him to think he can disrespect the man who has raised him. And I do not want him to feel any kind of indifference toward his younger brother. And honestly, I am not ready to tell him or have that conversation with him. As far as the ex-inlaws are concerned, they have never given me anything for my son - not even a phone call for his birthday or Christmas. So why would I want to expose him to them? Mind you my mother insists on telling him the truth! For what purpose, how could that possibly help him in life? If anything it might hurt him, depress him, and cause him to even be bitter.
I am so through with this situation!
I really would like to give my mother a good tongue lashing but what would that prove, how would that help and it would just make a trivial situation worst?!
There is so much more I would like to express to my mother but I think I will take a pen to paper and then mail it to her...
(Thanks for listening to me.)
As a child I was always annoyed, bothered, and sometimes stressed. My father did not notice this, but what he did tell me is that as I got older I would harbor ill feelings towards people and at the wrong time I would finally explode. I now realize that people or family who irritated me then still irritate me. So I made a conscious decision to give them a piece of my mind and now I have peace. I do not tolerate ignorance or nonsense and closed those chapters in my life, of people and/ or family members who do not share the same values or thought processes as myself. In other words, I stay away from negativity and only allow those around me who are positive. I have far fewer friends now in my 40s than in my 20s. I even have far lesser family members that I associate with or even speak to, and I do not feel any bit of shame or sorrow.
Anyway the situation that arised which prompted this blog, was an argument about my husband and how he talks to my oldest son. My husband is not the biological father of my eldest son, my ex-spouse is who is currently in a correctional facility for a Life-term sentence. I explained to my mother calmly that my son is in the 4th grade and is slacking off and needs stern discipline. If I did not agree with his form of discipline then I would not allow it! This is the second time she mentioned this to me that "he is not his real father and has no right to talk to him in any kind of way!" WHAT?! This is the same man that has bought him shoes, boots, sneakers, coats, clothes, hats & scarves. And has spent time with him playing basketball, games, doing homework, taking care of him when he is sick, and picks him up from school. Another problem with this situation is that my son does not know that my husband is not his biological father. And I do not feel he should know right now. I do not want him to think he can disrespect the man who has raised him. And I do not want him to feel any kind of indifference toward his younger brother. And honestly, I am not ready to tell him or have that conversation with him. As far as the ex-inlaws are concerned, they have never given me anything for my son - not even a phone call for his birthday or Christmas. So why would I want to expose him to them? Mind you my mother insists on telling him the truth! For what purpose, how could that possibly help him in life? If anything it might hurt him, depress him, and cause him to even be bitter.
I am so through with this situation!
I really would like to give my mother a good tongue lashing but what would that prove, how would that help and it would just make a trivial situation worst?!
There is so much more I would like to express to my mother but I think I will take a pen to paper and then mail it to her...
(Thanks for listening to me.)
Saturday, May 11, 2013
A Mother's Wish...
Am I the only one who wish fellow Mothers/ Women a HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY?! I posted on Twitter earlier today a " Happy Mother's Day to All Mothers here or in Heaven, whether with or without children. I feel ALL women should rejoice with us... "
Before my sister passed in 2003 she would always buy me a Mother's Day gift. I think she started this when she had her own son, perhaps even before. It so happens that she died before I had my two sons. My mother thought it was a bad omen. Now in retrospect - I'm glad we both celebrated Mother's Day while we were together, regardless if we both did not have children!
This is one of those reasons why I agree with John Edwards the Medium - when he says, "validate the ones you love while they are here and before it is too late".
And after the unfolding events this week in Cleveland, Ohio - there is no better Mother's Day than your daughter returning home after ten years in captivity!...
Let us not forget the best Mother's Day gift of all - the one where a young unmarried girl gave up her only Son to SAVE the World...
Blessings & Peace to All WOMEN!
Before my sister passed in 2003 she would always buy me a Mother's Day gift. I think she started this when she had her own son, perhaps even before. It so happens that she died before I had my two sons. My mother thought it was a bad omen. Now in retrospect - I'm glad we both celebrated Mother's Day while we were together, regardless if we both did not have children!
This is one of those reasons why I agree with John Edwards the Medium - when he says, "validate the ones you love while they are here and before it is too late".
And after the unfolding events this week in Cleveland, Ohio - there is no better Mother's Day than your daughter returning home after ten years in captivity!...
Let us not forget the best Mother's Day gift of all - the one where a young unmarried girl gave up her only Son to SAVE the World...
Blessings & Peace to All WOMEN!
Saturday, May 4, 2013
the Audacity of Family...
I started to write this blog about a month ago and could not come to terms with the TRUTH. I think part of it was the hurt I was feeling once again - the anger and the anxiety. It took me so long to come to terms with what I was trying to open up about, I neglected my weekly blog for over a month. But finally it is here...
I was contemplating for the past few days whether to write this particular blog. I happened to be watching a re-run of Dr. Phil. It was about a young girl who was molested by her grandfather. The little girl told her grandmother who did not do anything about the situation nor did the grandmother tell her own son - the child's father. It resulted in the young girl having mood swings and irrational behavior. When her mother asked her why she was behaving in such a manner and what was going on - is when the child told her mother what her grandfather did to her. The mother was shocked and horrified to say the least, especially when the little girl said she told her grandmother. This is when the whole situation escalated! The mother of the young girl approached her mother-in-law , because the grandmother seemed to have swept the whole incident under the rug. Well you already know the end result...the daughter does not trust the mother-in-law and refuses to allow the child back in the in-laws' house.
The reason why this show or story was so important to me because I too was a victim of child molestation by my grandfather! I was about nine years old?! The worst part of it all was my grandmother caught him in the act and did nothing, and said nothing. She never mentioned it to my mother. It was not until I was about 11 years old I confessed to my mother, and only because the incident occurred again but this time with my sister - who is three years younger me. Til this very day I feel so much guilt for not telling my mother sooner, which would have prevented my sister to becoming a victim. All I could think of at the time when my sister was molested, was "the shit stops now!" I was the oldest cousin and did not want for any of the younger cousins to fall victim as well.
As you can imagine, this put a "rift" among the family. I made my mother swear to me she would not tell my father. I think part of the reason was the embarrassment, and another part of me felt - my father would blame the situation on me. My aunt told my mother I was lying and making it all up. And of course my grandmother who witness the incident, said she had no idea what I was talking about! The end result, my mother did not allow us to return to my grandmother's house if my grandfather was around. What a relief! But the hurt, agony, and anxiety was a result of my family's betrayal - to think that I would make up such a story?!
I finally told my father when my grandfather was dying in the hospital with throat cancer and I did not want to see him. My parents had already been divorced for 15 years and I was already in my late 20s. So I finally admitted to my father the whole ordeal and now he understood why my mother refused to go to her parents house with us. He felt betrayed and angry to say the least! I think once my grandfather died - I felt a sense of relief. Maybe I was feeling a sense of security.
Although my grandfather was an alcoholic that was no excuse for what he did, but I had long forgiven him and myself - knowing it was not my fault. But I harnessed a lot of anger and anxiety with my relatives for not believing me! Now as an adult with two children of my own - I am very overprotective of my children. I even had anxiety issues when they are in school, but can you blame me. And although my sister too has passed, I still feel a sense of guilt and regret that I did not protect my youngest and only sibling...
How I dealt with this all these years, now in my 40s - prayer! I pray everyday! Not just for myself, but for my grandparents and for the safety of my sons...
I was contemplating for the past few days whether to write this particular blog. I happened to be watching a re-run of Dr. Phil. It was about a young girl who was molested by her grandfather. The little girl told her grandmother who did not do anything about the situation nor did the grandmother tell her own son - the child's father. It resulted in the young girl having mood swings and irrational behavior. When her mother asked her why she was behaving in such a manner and what was going on - is when the child told her mother what her grandfather did to her. The mother was shocked and horrified to say the least, especially when the little girl said she told her grandmother. This is when the whole situation escalated! The mother of the young girl approached her mother-in-law , because the grandmother seemed to have swept the whole incident under the rug. Well you already know the end result...the daughter does not trust the mother-in-law and refuses to allow the child back in the in-laws' house.
The reason why this show or story was so important to me because I too was a victim of child molestation by my grandfather! I was about nine years old?! The worst part of it all was my grandmother caught him in the act and did nothing, and said nothing. She never mentioned it to my mother. It was not until I was about 11 years old I confessed to my mother, and only because the incident occurred again but this time with my sister - who is three years younger me. Til this very day I feel so much guilt for not telling my mother sooner, which would have prevented my sister to becoming a victim. All I could think of at the time when my sister was molested, was "the shit stops now!" I was the oldest cousin and did not want for any of the younger cousins to fall victim as well.
As you can imagine, this put a "rift" among the family. I made my mother swear to me she would not tell my father. I think part of the reason was the embarrassment, and another part of me felt - my father would blame the situation on me. My aunt told my mother I was lying and making it all up. And of course my grandmother who witness the incident, said she had no idea what I was talking about! The end result, my mother did not allow us to return to my grandmother's house if my grandfather was around. What a relief! But the hurt, agony, and anxiety was a result of my family's betrayal - to think that I would make up such a story?!
I finally told my father when my grandfather was dying in the hospital with throat cancer and I did not want to see him. My parents had already been divorced for 15 years and I was already in my late 20s. So I finally admitted to my father the whole ordeal and now he understood why my mother refused to go to her parents house with us. He felt betrayed and angry to say the least! I think once my grandfather died - I felt a sense of relief. Maybe I was feeling a sense of security.
Although my grandfather was an alcoholic that was no excuse for what he did, but I had long forgiven him and myself - knowing it was not my fault. But I harnessed a lot of anger and anxiety with my relatives for not believing me! Now as an adult with two children of my own - I am very overprotective of my children. I even had anxiety issues when they are in school, but can you blame me. And although my sister too has passed, I still feel a sense of guilt and regret that I did not protect my youngest and only sibling...
How I dealt with this all these years, now in my 40s - prayer! I pray everyday! Not just for myself, but for my grandparents and for the safety of my sons...
Friday, March 15, 2013
The Successor to St. Peter
HABEMUS PAPAM!
The white smoke cleared and emerged is the new successor to St. Peter - Vicar of the Catholic Church/ Christ...
After the smoke cleared and the bells stopped ringing, appearing in white vestments, Jorge Mario Bergoglio from Buenos Aires, Argentina - who has taken the name of Pope Francis (I). "Francis" being of St. Francis of Assissi - Patron Saint of Animals, Merchants, and Ecology. He is our first Pope to come from a Latin Amercian country and the first Pope to have taken the name of St. Francis.
Am I the only one happy about the new Pope?! Is it a "Catholic thing?" Or were people of other faiths waiting for the white smoke to appear? According to the news and social media blogs it seems as though the world was watching and waiting. And to me that is a good sign. A sign of hope for the future of all humanity and our world.
As a Hispanic/ Latina woman, I am humbly excited. And as a woman of faith, I pray the Cardinals who voted in secrecy and were sequestered, made the right choice for all of us Roman Catholics around the globe. I also hope as an American that the situation of the priests molesting the children, will be at the forefront, as well as bringing the flock back to the church who have left because of the scandals. The Catholic priests have done both the church and our children wrong, and they need to rectify the situation accordingly. This is one of the reasons why so many people Catholics and non-Catholics have no faith in the church - any church or so-called Religion. But most importantly something has to be done not just to regain the faith and trust of the Catholics but for the young people as well.
Enough said and I leave you with the Prayer of St. Francis of Assissi:
As a Hispanic/ Latina woman, I am humbly excited. And as a woman of faith, I pray the Cardinals who voted in secrecy and were sequestered, made the right choice for all of us Roman Catholics around the globe. I also hope as an American that the situation of the priests molesting the children, will be at the forefront, as well as bringing the flock back to the church who have left because of the scandals. The Catholic priests have done both the church and our children wrong, and they need to rectify the situation accordingly. This is one of the reasons why so many people Catholics and non-Catholics have no faith in the church - any church or so-called Religion. But most importantly something has to be done not just to regain the faith and trust of the Catholics but for the young people as well.
Enough said and I leave you with the Prayer of St. Francis of Assissi:
- Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
- Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
- Where there is injury, pardon;
- Where there is doubt, faith;
- Where there is despair, hope;
- Where there is darkness, light;
- Where there is sadness, joy.
- O Divine Master,
- grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
- to be understood, as to understand;
- to be loved, as to love.
- For it is in giving that we receive.
- It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
- and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
- Amen.
Monday, March 11, 2013
The Prodigal Daughter
{A lot has been going on these past few weeks. I will be sure to catch up on my blogs in the following days...}
Family Reunions can sometimes be bittersweet. Saturday night I finally got to see my cousin Sandra I have not seen in over 15 years! That is the sweet part, the bitter part - my aunt died three years ago - her mother...
My cousin Sandra who is only two years older than me, left her house when she was 16 years old - pregnant with child. My aunt had seven children and Sandra was the sixth child. Her oldest sister was married and still living at home with her husband. A lot of rumors, gossip and drama developed as a result of my cousins teen pregnancy.
I was told by one side she was thrown out because there was not enough room in the house for everyone, especially not her and her child. She was also offered the option of aborting the child. :O
Another side told me she left on her own accord. She wanted her baby and to be with her man. This debate has gone on for at least 20 years. My cousin eventually married her boyfriend and they had four children in total. Her husbands' entire family relocated to Florida, and my parents would hear from her about every five years or so. Because of this "big family incident" it remained a sore spot for many. It never felt right with me and when I was younger I remained totally upset, hurt and quite disgusted with this situation. I actually believed my cousin was thrown out. If she decided to leave on her own, get married and have her child - why all the animosity and resentment towards her?! I understand that whenever she called or possibly visited, she might not have been welcomed with open arms - but why??
I now realized it is quite possible that my cousin Sandra's siblings were hurt when she left and decided to choose her man and unborn child over her family?! I did not take that personal but then again I am just a cousin, not her sister. And what I do know is - since my own sister has passed, I try to help rectify other sibling rivalry and such. I tell people all the time, make amends; and do it now before it is too late! Life is too short!
I wish I could say that her visit went well... Her siblings still seem bitter towards her and might possibly resent her. They ALL did not welcome her with open arms. And to have to process the fact you were too late and your mother has already been deceased for three years - is a hard fact to swallow...
All I know is I did my part. When my aunt died I decided to look for her on my own. I thought she had the right to know her mother passed away. As I was searching various Web Detectives, my father called and told me to "search" for her. (Little did he know I had already begun the process.) Come to find out I was looking in the wrong city. But I prayed everyday for over two years that my aunt (her mother) would bring her home. [It was recently when I prayed to my sister to bring her home - that my cousin showed up.]
I was too elated to see her beyond words and emotion. Perhaps I was in shock. And maybe because I thought of my own sister who is no longer here with us - with whom I would have loved to share this moment of the Prodigal Daughter...
Be Blessed and Stay LOVED!!
Family Reunions can sometimes be bittersweet. Saturday night I finally got to see my cousin Sandra I have not seen in over 15 years! That is the sweet part, the bitter part - my aunt died three years ago - her mother...
My cousin Sandra who is only two years older than me, left her house when she was 16 years old - pregnant with child. My aunt had seven children and Sandra was the sixth child. Her oldest sister was married and still living at home with her husband. A lot of rumors, gossip and drama developed as a result of my cousins teen pregnancy.
I was told by one side she was thrown out because there was not enough room in the house for everyone, especially not her and her child. She was also offered the option of aborting the child. :O
Another side told me she left on her own accord. She wanted her baby and to be with her man. This debate has gone on for at least 20 years. My cousin eventually married her boyfriend and they had four children in total. Her husbands' entire family relocated to Florida, and my parents would hear from her about every five years or so. Because of this "big family incident" it remained a sore spot for many. It never felt right with me and when I was younger I remained totally upset, hurt and quite disgusted with this situation. I actually believed my cousin was thrown out. If she decided to leave on her own, get married and have her child - why all the animosity and resentment towards her?! I understand that whenever she called or possibly visited, she might not have been welcomed with open arms - but why??
I now realized it is quite possible that my cousin Sandra's siblings were hurt when she left and decided to choose her man and unborn child over her family?! I did not take that personal but then again I am just a cousin, not her sister. And what I do know is - since my own sister has passed, I try to help rectify other sibling rivalry and such. I tell people all the time, make amends; and do it now before it is too late! Life is too short!
I wish I could say that her visit went well... Her siblings still seem bitter towards her and might possibly resent her. They ALL did not welcome her with open arms. And to have to process the fact you were too late and your mother has already been deceased for three years - is a hard fact to swallow...
All I know is I did my part. When my aunt died I decided to look for her on my own. I thought she had the right to know her mother passed away. As I was searching various Web Detectives, my father called and told me to "search" for her. (Little did he know I had already begun the process.) Come to find out I was looking in the wrong city. But I prayed everyday for over two years that my aunt (her mother) would bring her home. [It was recently when I prayed to my sister to bring her home - that my cousin showed up.]
I was too elated to see her beyond words and emotion. Perhaps I was in shock. And maybe because I thought of my own sister who is no longer here with us - with whom I would have loved to share this moment of the Prodigal Daughter...
Be Blessed and Stay LOVED!!
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Much Better
Well it seems like it is getting better. The Bus Strike has ended and no one is more happier than I! The hustle and bustle of taking two kids two school by 8 am is such a task. But who am I to complain when working mothers do it everyday, and still have to make it to their job by 9 am - to work a long day for eight hours. Then the real work begins after 6 pm - picking up the kids from their after school programs or sitter, taking them home, fixing supper, helping with homework, bath time and then bed. And all a mother really wants to do when she arrives home is curl up on the couch and take a nap! :)) I literally take my hat off to all the working mothers and give them a round of applause!!...
When all I have to do is go downstairs to put my son on his bus by 7 am and then walk ten blocks to take my other son to school. I am usually home by 8:30 am where I have a morning ritual and perhaps some computer time to check my thousand e-mails which pile up after a few days when I can get to them on a daily basis. Now perhaps I will not be so exhausted or have any physical pain from the arthritis in both knees, gout on the right foot, a heel problem in my left foot (which I've had for twenty years), or the anxiety of running the kids around on time. And maybe now I can commit myself to an exercise routine. With all the walking I do picking the kids up and dropping them off, I feel that is enough exercise - in which my doctor does not agree with.
I am just glad that the Bus Strike is over and all our Special Needs children can get back to "their normal" routine! As I watched the parents of physically disabled children board the public bus (MTA), one can not help to notice the despair, grief, sadness on their faces; and the ignorant stares of the passengers. Now those parents can rest easily - hopefully...
When all I have to do is go downstairs to put my son on his bus by 7 am and then walk ten blocks to take my other son to school. I am usually home by 8:30 am where I have a morning ritual and perhaps some computer time to check my thousand e-mails which pile up after a few days when I can get to them on a daily basis. Now perhaps I will not be so exhausted or have any physical pain from the arthritis in both knees, gout on the right foot, a heel problem in my left foot (which I've had for twenty years), or the anxiety of running the kids around on time. And maybe now I can commit myself to an exercise routine. With all the walking I do picking the kids up and dropping them off, I feel that is enough exercise - in which my doctor does not agree with.
I am just glad that the Bus Strike is over and all our Special Needs children can get back to "their normal" routine! As I watched the parents of physically disabled children board the public bus (MTA), one can not help to notice the despair, grief, sadness on their faces; and the ignorant stares of the passengers. Now those parents can rest easily - hopefully...
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Winter Blues...
I think this is probably one of the worst time of the year - winter! Yeah the snow is pretty when is falling and snow-angels are fun to make with the kids, but...After the Blizzard then what? The kids are constantly coming home with a cough or cold. (And when the kids are miserable they try to make mommy miserable.) There is not really much for a mom to do but eat, read, sleep (which I desperately need), and perhaps exercise. Well there is the Superbowl, the Grammy's, Chinese New Years, and Fat Tuesday/Mardi Gras. Is anyone participating in these events? With the exception of the Superbowl party and/or the Grammy's on TV - really?
All I know that this is February and I am so DONE with the cold and winter! I think the fact that my forty something year old body is not the same as it once was, I now know how old people feel. I hope my mother realizes how much WE NEED to move to a warmer climate. {Global Warming - I don't know about that in NYC?} This is the time of year in which I complain a lot and do not want to talk. Surprisingly I always have something to say and now?........
All I know that this is February and I am so DONE with the cold and winter! I think the fact that my forty something year old body is not the same as it once was, I now know how old people feel. I hope my mother realizes how much WE NEED to move to a warmer climate. {Global Warming - I don't know about that in NYC?} This is the time of year in which I complain a lot and do not want to talk. Surprisingly I always have something to say and now?........
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Yellow Bus Strike...
As we are well into our second week of the NYC-Yellow Bus Strike, can not help to complain how stressful it can be on us parents. The Yellow Bus Transportation system although a private entity, are employed (by contract), to the BOE. The Yellow Bus Transportation system is responsible for the transportation of 150,000 Special Needs children to school! It is even more annoying for me because I have to transport two kids to two different schools. (I will not even complain about the fact that have arthritis in both knees, gout in one foot, & possible nerve damage in my left foot due to diabetes - which combined can be very excruciating!) But I must admit I have an advantage than most parents. I reside on the East-side as well as both children attending school on the East-side, which is approximately a mile from my home in either direction; I am also SAHM which means I do not have to go running to work and worry who is now going to pick up my child from school on time.
Although the BOE has concocted plans to help ease the burden of parents by trying to provide Access-A-Ride for disabled individuals, and vouchers for private car service - it is not all what it is cracked up to be. I am not sure what is the qualifications for Access-A-Ride individuals other than a physical disability, the vouchers for private car service is a joke. According to the application forms I received, the voucher has to be given to the private car service every week (like a timesheet) and they fill out the forms. I in turn bring the voucher forms to the school and they submit it to the BOE for approval and payment. The payments is submitted by mail every two weeks (like a paycheck but in the mail). But not only do I have to bring the vouchers every week to the private car service and submit it to my child's school to the BOE - I have to call them daily twice to make sure they are reminded to pick me up in the am and the pm. And payments are for only 10 trips a week! That means the private car service takes me to the school with my child & drops me off, and I return to where ever on my own. In addition, I have to meet the private car service at the school after I have picked up my child. I have not even stated the fact that the list I was given for the private car services - only two are in my area.
I was even told by some parents, that the private car services they called had no idea what the BOE voucher was about?! They knew that the yellow buses were on strike but that is all! And the fact that the BOE was paying for private car services daily at two weeks at a time - I am sure was not appealing...HOWEVER, the best was receiving two metrocards - one for the student which had 3 free rides and the parents' metrocard which was UNLIMITED.
How can any parent complain about that - unless you have a Special Needs child which is terrified of people or Mass Transportation?!
Good Luck to any parent who has to deal with transportating their Special Needs Child in these horrendous weather conditions...
Although the BOE has concocted plans to help ease the burden of parents by trying to provide Access-A-Ride for disabled individuals, and vouchers for private car service - it is not all what it is cracked up to be. I am not sure what is the qualifications for Access-A-Ride individuals other than a physical disability, the vouchers for private car service is a joke. According to the application forms I received, the voucher has to be given to the private car service every week (like a timesheet) and they fill out the forms. I in turn bring the voucher forms to the school and they submit it to the BOE for approval and payment. The payments is submitted by mail every two weeks (like a paycheck but in the mail). But not only do I have to bring the vouchers every week to the private car service and submit it to my child's school to the BOE - I have to call them daily twice to make sure they are reminded to pick me up in the am and the pm. And payments are for only 10 trips a week! That means the private car service takes me to the school with my child & drops me off, and I return to where ever on my own. In addition, I have to meet the private car service at the school after I have picked up my child. I have not even stated the fact that the list I was given for the private car services - only two are in my area.
I was even told by some parents, that the private car services they called had no idea what the BOE voucher was about?! They knew that the yellow buses were on strike but that is all! And the fact that the BOE was paying for private car services daily at two weeks at a time - I am sure was not appealing...HOWEVER, the best was receiving two metrocards - one for the student which had 3 free rides and the parents' metrocard which was UNLIMITED.
How can any parent complain about that - unless you have a Special Needs child which is terrified of people or Mass Transportation?!
Good Luck to any parent who has to deal with transportating their Special Needs Child in these horrendous weather conditions...
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
* BLOG POST # 26! * (A Celebration)
As I write my Blog Post #26, I Celebrate the fact I have written weekly for six months! I feel accomplished to say the least. I always wanted to write a book and those that know me - know I talk so much that I probably could write one and will. My sister and I use to joke around with different titles I would use. ( I won't write them down here - that was between my sister and I. But when I do decide to write that book I hope to use one of those titles and dedicate it to her memory.)
We also celebrate a day in history, that on Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day it is the Inauguration of our First Black President Barack Hussein Obama - who has been re-elected for a second term! "Four More Years" is what all people of color are chanting on the Nation's Capitol. What an auspicious occasion it is, not just for myself but for my sons who are also African-American.
I will not bore you with my soliloquy but leave you with an excerpt of our 44th POTUS Inauguration Speech:
We also celebrate a day in history, that on Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day it is the Inauguration of our First Black President Barack Hussein Obama - who has been re-elected for a second term! "Four More Years" is what all people of color are chanting on the Nation's Capitol. What an auspicious occasion it is, not just for myself but for my sons who are also African-American.
I will not bore you with my soliloquy but leave you with an excerpt of our 44th POTUS Inauguration Speech:
"We, the people, declare today that the most evident of truths –- that all of us are created equal –- is the star that guides us still; just as it guided our forebears through Seneca Falls, and Selma, and Stonewall; just as it guided all those men and women, sung and unsung, who left footprints along this great Mall, to hear a preacher say that we cannot walk alone; to hear a King proclaim that our individual freedom is inextricably bound to the freedom of every soul on Earth. (Applause.)
It is now our generation’s task to carry on what those pioneers began. For our journey is not complete until our wives, our mothers and daughters can earn a living equal to their efforts. (Applause.) Our journey is not complete until our gay brothers and sisters are treated like anyone else under the law –- (applause) -- for if we are truly created equal, then surely the love we commit to one another must be equal as well. (Applause.) Our journey is not complete until no citizen is forced to wait for hours to exercise the right to vote. (Applause.) Our journey is not complete until we find a better way to welcome the striving, hopeful immigrants who still see America as a land of opportunity -- (applause) -- until bright young students and engineers are enlisted in our workforce rather than expelled from our country. (Applause.) Our journey is not complete until all our children, from the streets of Detroit to the hills of Appalachia, to the quiet lanes of Newtown, know that they are cared for and cherished and always safe from harm."
January 21, 2013
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Losing A Friend...(Post 25)
Here I am Monday evening stressing-out over the NYC - Yellow Bus Strike. Wondering how I am going to take my youngest son to school who is on the Autism Spectrum. I also have to drop-off my oldest son to school. When the bus comes at 7 am for my youngest child that gives me an hour to drop-off the oldest one to school. Now the afternoon pick-up is going to be a hustle as well!
I decided to go on facebook on Tuesday morning to see how my friends and colleagues are going to manage. When I see a message from my mother's cousin telling me to pray for my friend?! (It so happens my friend Renee ironically lives on the same block as my cousin.) So I quickly go to my friend's page to see what is going on. Lo & behold a message is posted from Renee's brother stating she was in a medically induced coma and to pray fervently?! After the initial shock wears off I send a message to my cousin, then my friend's brother, and locate her sister who knows me - and send her a message too. Come to find out my friend Renee went in for surgery on her ovarian cysts. She is discharge from the hospital, and when she is home becomes unexpectedly ill. An ambulance was called and takes her to the ER where she is placed in a medically induced coma! All I could think about is what happened to my own sister 9 years ago...
In the midst of this shock, I recall the last conversation I had with Renee. It was in November, right after Hurricane Sandy and she wished me a Happy Belated B-day . I happened to notice her post on fb after the Hurricane, where she is asking for Help. I immediately call her and she tells me laughingly, the post was for her mother to come get her & the kids. Her mother did in fact rescue her. We go on to discuss our kids, life, and how & when we are going to meet up. I tell her I am planning to relocate in June to FL - indeed we need to *see* each other very soon! "Maybe I'll see you in December if it is not too cold and my mother can drive me?" Those were the last words I said to her...
I met Renee my Freshman year in college at FAMU in Tallahassee, FL. Someone on campus thought we should meet because we were both from Harlem, NYC. Although we both never graduated from there and left at two different completely times - we never lost touch with one another. She always called me and looked out for me!
Now a month later to when I was suppose to see her, she is in a coma fighting for her life! My sister was never the same when she came out of the coma. In fact she died a few months later. And left my 9 year old nephew behind to my mother/ his grandmother. My friend Renee has 5 children, including a set of twins. I asked the family permission to visit with her and offered my services to help with her children? (I miss her already and it hurts.) In the meantime I pray for my dear friend...
I decided to go on facebook on Tuesday morning to see how my friends and colleagues are going to manage. When I see a message from my mother's cousin telling me to pray for my friend?! (It so happens my friend Renee ironically lives on the same block as my cousin.) So I quickly go to my friend's page to see what is going on. Lo & behold a message is posted from Renee's brother stating she was in a medically induced coma and to pray fervently?! After the initial shock wears off I send a message to my cousin, then my friend's brother, and locate her sister who knows me - and send her a message too. Come to find out my friend Renee went in for surgery on her ovarian cysts. She is discharge from the hospital, and when she is home becomes unexpectedly ill. An ambulance was called and takes her to the ER where she is placed in a medically induced coma! All I could think about is what happened to my own sister 9 years ago...
In the midst of this shock, I recall the last conversation I had with Renee. It was in November, right after Hurricane Sandy and she wished me a Happy Belated B-day . I happened to notice her post on fb after the Hurricane, where she is asking for Help. I immediately call her and she tells me laughingly, the post was for her mother to come get her & the kids. Her mother did in fact rescue her. We go on to discuss our kids, life, and how & when we are going to meet up. I tell her I am planning to relocate in June to FL - indeed we need to *see* each other very soon! "Maybe I'll see you in December if it is not too cold and my mother can drive me?" Those were the last words I said to her...
I met Renee my Freshman year in college at FAMU in Tallahassee, FL. Someone on campus thought we should meet because we were both from Harlem, NYC. Although we both never graduated from there and left at two different completely times - we never lost touch with one another. She always called me and looked out for me!
Now a month later to when I was suppose to see her, she is in a coma fighting for her life! My sister was never the same when she came out of the coma. In fact she died a few months later. And left my 9 year old nephew behind to my mother/ his grandmother. My friend Renee has 5 children, including a set of twins. I asked the family permission to visit with her and offered my services to help with her children? (I miss her already and it hurts.) In the meantime I pray for my dear friend...
Saturday, January 12, 2013
2013 - New Years or New Fears...
For some reason or another I did not feel like New Years came in with a big bang. It sorted came in when the clock struck 12 - like "Hey, Happy New Year?" Perhaps it was just my sentiment. And for the first time in many years both kids were almost sleep. I actually woke them up to me blowing the horns and yelling with my mother. I do not know if that was the over all sentiment of folks, but the days following New Years - as I was wishing people "Happy New Years" - folks were like thanks? Then I said to myself, maybe with the events of Hurricane Sandy and the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, CT - people just were not feeling it! And that is perfectly understandable. With the economy the way it is, people out of work and can't find jobs - money is tight all around - people are not in a celebratory mood.
I could not help to be selfish and think how grateful I am for all that I have - which is not much. But as I stated a few months ago, I am looking forward to relocating this year! This would be the first time I ever lived in a house! And I will be able to raise my children in a home where they can play in the backyard! So many of my friends after high school went on to complete college (in which I left after 18 mos), now have spectacular jobs with a big house, two new vehicles - "seemingly" the perfect life! While for the past ten years I sat behind regretting my past decisions.
Hopefully all that will be behind me now. I am finally going to achieve the impossible American Dream! I will finally complete my B.A. degree and possibly open up my own business! My possibilities will be endless!! This is all due to my mother who persevered in my sister's medical malpractice case and won - after nine long years! I will soon be doing better than all my peers - which was not something I was trying to accomplish.
All that I ask from the Divine Mother - that we will make the right choice in location for the boys and everything will go as planned. But the most important thing will be for all of us to be safe and secure, healthy and happy...
That is what New Years should be about - WISHING FOR A SAFE & SECURE, HEALTHY & HAPPY YEAR...
I could not help to be selfish and think how grateful I am for all that I have - which is not much. But as I stated a few months ago, I am looking forward to relocating this year! This would be the first time I ever lived in a house! And I will be able to raise my children in a home where they can play in the backyard! So many of my friends after high school went on to complete college (in which I left after 18 mos), now have spectacular jobs with a big house, two new vehicles - "seemingly" the perfect life! While for the past ten years I sat behind regretting my past decisions.
Hopefully all that will be behind me now. I am finally going to achieve the impossible American Dream! I will finally complete my B.A. degree and possibly open up my own business! My possibilities will be endless!! This is all due to my mother who persevered in my sister's medical malpractice case and won - after nine long years! I will soon be doing better than all my peers - which was not something I was trying to accomplish.
All that I ask from the Divine Mother - that we will make the right choice in location for the boys and everything will go as planned. But the most important thing will be for all of us to be safe and secure, healthy and happy...
That is what New Years should be about - WISHING FOR A SAFE & SECURE, HEALTHY & HAPPY YEAR...
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