TEN YEARS is a long time!

Ten Years is a long time but to me it seems like yesterday you just passed away!  I think about all the good times we had - partying, drinking, clubbing and sometimes just sitting on the bench hanging out.  We talked about where we would be when we were old and gray, watching our grandchildren play.  Having cocktails on your front porch with that white picket fence you wanted.  Reminiscing about the old dayz in the projects talking about everyone and snappin' on them.  And just falling out laughing over the silliness.  We had plans together - sisters forever.  We still are sisters, but in a different forever.  

I do not think that ANYONE can realize the turmoil I am in; I used to be in utter bitterness.  I even resented certain people who were still alive and could have taken your place.  I do not think like that anymore nor am I bitter.  I learned not to question GOD and embrace his wrath.  I mean we are Christians, isn't that what we are taught - to fear GOD and His wrath?!

I have always prayed for your soul, even though I knew you were in the Choir of Angels.  As a Catholic, we pray Rosaries for the Dead who can no longer pray for themselves.  I always thought it was too comfort us and to somehow  maintain our Faith during grief.  As I continued to search for answers and possible reasons, my Faith did become stronger and I no longer question GOD!  And then I realized, it might be possible that your soul was suffering too.  So last year in July I made a promise to myself to pray a rosary every morning for you and all our deceased relatives and friends, and even our ancestors.  

Then I received an answer this morning for a question I was yearning to know, from a person I least suspected to receive it from.  

The message was clear:  " I'm her Guardian Angel and she (Lina) is with me "  ... 

( I will continue to pray my Rosaries everyday!  I am no longer full of questions nor resentful - but at peace with myself and God; and I am no longer tormented because I know for sure where you are,

 perhaps where you belonged all the time ) ...    

In Memory of Kistian

On August 5th, 2013 - a friend and former classmate of mine Kistian Harris passed away in his sleep.  He was only 41 years old.  We went to Cardinal Spellman High School in the Bronx, NY.  The same esteemed school in which Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor attended and graduated from in 1971.

I learned about Kistian's death when I received a phone call the following Tuesday evening.  The call came from also a former classmate and dear friend - Nicole Tatum.  Of course it was posted on his Facebook page, but both Nicole and I had somehow missed the announcement.  I knew when my friend Nicole called it had to be something important.  Neither her nor I seen each other in about two years, when we celebrated our 40th Birthdays.  Nicole was a long time friend of Kistian but the relationship went sour over something minute.

The last time I seen Kistian was around 2008 when we were preparing for our 20th High School Reunion. We met up with another former classmate - Melanie and of course Nicole.  We met up on 42nd Street at Dave & Busters for some dinner and drinks, and maybe some games.  It was slightly raining that evening, but I was so excited to meet up with my old pals I have not seen in over 20 years.  I happened to meet both Nicole and Kistian in that big train terminal.  I remember we were looking for the elevators - which were not working - we decided to find the nearest exit up the stairs to the street.  As Nicole and I dashed up the stairs, Kistian took his time and struggled up the stairs.  Nicole then informed me secretly, that in Kistian's backpack was an oxygen tank!  Of course to my dismay and shock, I did not ask why or how.  All I can recall was my mind racing  and I thinking to myself that I need to STOP smoking!  We proceeded to Dave & Busters, found our former classmates, and reminisced about our high school dayz.

It was also this same evening that Kistian was the one who convinced me to log into Facebook and reconnect with some other former classmates online.  Sometime that summer again, we met up in the Village and went to Calientes.  Nicole came with two of her friends and as we waited for Kisitan who took too long, we decided to decided to proceed with dinner.  Two hours later as we exited the restaurant, Kistian showed up.  No excuses needed.  All we could do is laugh - how could any of us be mad.  I gave him my Calientes souvenir glass and reassured him I already had a collection.  The excitement and look on his face was priceless!  

I never realized that would be the last time I would see him!?  He never made it to our 20th Reunion because he did not have the $85 fee for the dinner.  I wish I had paid for his ticket...

On his Facebook page:

The last time I seen you was in 2008 which was almost 19 years since our HS graduation. And we picked up right where we left off - joking and snapping at one another!  When I received a call from a fellow classmate telling me you passed away I wanted to cry. But knowing how we always laughed with each other, I smile instead - thinking of all the fun times we had - (esp. our Senior Trip) ....Never got a chance to tell you how much you made me laugh - Love you Brother Kistian Harris! I'll see you in my sleep...

Public Assistance = Depression

I would really like to talk to the critics of Welfare programs, in which they say WE are lazy and are getting "fat" off the land.  Because I can tell you personally there is nothing easy about going to the Public Assistance office with your children and being "frowned upon" by an uneducated, lowly-paid Caseworker.  I should know because I was once one of them!  Since I did not complete my College education, the next best thing was finding employment with the city - unionized, salary, full benefits, set hours, even the chance for promotion - all without having a college education. More humiliating is the fact that I am receiving benefits at the same location I was once employed.  Mind you the days preceding the mandatory appointment, my anxiety is at an all-star high!  I'm chain smoking, biting my finger-nails, pulling my hair, etc.  (What I really need is probably is a drink, but I won't go there.)  This emotion is probably compounded by the fact we have not moved yet, don't know when and still have yet to receive word on any $ !?

Going to my appointment with both children in tow, just validated the fact that we actually might be here for another few months!  If I already had moved I probably would not have even cared.  The worst is disappointing the kids.  I should have known better then to tell them anything.  Here we are the first of August and not one thing packed.  I have not even cleaned or thrown some things out because I am so disappointed with myself and ...My mother always told me not to depend on anyone or anything, and don't count on $ you have not seen - not even your paycheck!  Nothing is guaranteed...

All I know is that I am extremely upset, depressed and even somewhat disgusted!  I set myself up, for setting my dreams so unrealistically.  I can feel myself about to throw-up or hyper-ventilate.  And I do not like to do neither.  But as I watch the news, I have to admit I do not have it so bad - things CAN be worst.  Even praying does not help at times!  Sometimes I get so upset that I'm ready to throw my own Bible.  Who wants to pray at a time like this or can you actually pray - I know we should all pray during these desperate time.

However, exercise can help (or so they say).  To be honest, writing about all these ordeals are so cathartic.
I can actually write a book about this "welfare depression" and admit to myself that WE are from humble beginnings. Either way I will tell anyone who is depressed or need someone to talk to - talk to yourself!  Write your feelings down in like a journal - it is actually liberating.  (Yeah right who am I kidding.)  I think anyone who is on the system - willingly or reluctantly - has to be depressed!  This not about getting over like a fat rat.  It is about self-improvement, and positive change...Seeking for the light....