This is not just everthing I wanted to tell my mother but couldn't! But doing so in a respectful manner. It comes to a point in your life when you say "enough is enough. I am in control of my life - not you or anyone else" ...
As a child I was always annoyed, bothered, and sometimes stressed. My father did not notice this, but what he did tell me is that as I got older I would harbor ill feelings towards people and at the wrong time I would finally explode. I now realize that people or family who irritated me then still irritate me. So I made a conscious decision to give them a piece of my mind and now I have peace. I do not tolerate ignorance or nonsense and closed those chapters in my life, of people and/ or family members who do not share the same values or thought processes as myself. In other words, I stay away from negativity and only allow those around me who are positive. I have far fewer friends now in my 40s than in my 20s. I even have far lesser family members that I associate with or even speak to, and I do not feel any bit of shame or sorrow.
Anyway the situation that arised which prompted this blog, was an argument about my husband and how he talks to my oldest son. My husband is not the biological father of my eldest son, my ex-spouse is who is currently in a correctional facility for a Life-term sentence. I explained to my mother calmly that my son is in the 4th grade and is slacking off and needs stern discipline. If I did not agree with his form of discipline then I would not allow it! This is the second time she mentioned this to me that "he is not his real father and has no right to talk to him in any kind of way!" WHAT?! This is the same man that has bought him shoes, boots, sneakers, coats, clothes, hats & scarves. And has spent time with him playing basketball, games, doing homework, taking care of him when he is sick, and picks him up from school. Another problem with this situation is that my son does not know that my husband is not his biological father. And I do not feel he should know right now. I do not want him to think he can disrespect the man who has raised him. And I do not want him to feel any kind of indifference toward his younger brother. And honestly, I am not ready to tell him or have that conversation with him. As far as the ex-inlaws are concerned, they have never given me anything for my son - not even a phone call for his birthday or Christmas. So why would I want to expose him to them? Mind you my mother insists on telling him the truth! For what purpose, how could that possibly help him in life? If anything it might hurt him, depress him, and cause him to even be bitter.
I am so through with this situation!
I really would like to give my mother a good tongue lashing but what would that prove, how would that help and it would just make a trivial situation worst?!
There is so much more I would like to express to my mother but I think I will take a pen to paper and then mail it to her...
(Thanks for listening to me.)
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Saturday, May 11, 2013
A Mother's Wish...
Am I the only one who wish fellow Mothers/ Women a HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY?! I posted on Twitter earlier today a " Happy Mother's Day to All Mothers here or in Heaven, whether with or without children. I feel ALL women should rejoice with us... "
Before my sister passed in 2003 she would always buy me a Mother's Day gift. I think she started this when she had her own son, perhaps even before. It so happens that she died before I had my two sons. My mother thought it was a bad omen. Now in retrospect - I'm glad we both celebrated Mother's Day while we were together, regardless if we both did not have children!
This is one of those reasons why I agree with John Edwards the Medium - when he says, "validate the ones you love while they are here and before it is too late".
And after the unfolding events this week in Cleveland, Ohio - there is no better Mother's Day than your daughter returning home after ten years in captivity!...
Let us not forget the best Mother's Day gift of all - the one where a young unmarried girl gave up her only Son to SAVE the World...
Blessings & Peace to All WOMEN!
Before my sister passed in 2003 she would always buy me a Mother's Day gift. I think she started this when she had her own son, perhaps even before. It so happens that she died before I had my two sons. My mother thought it was a bad omen. Now in retrospect - I'm glad we both celebrated Mother's Day while we were together, regardless if we both did not have children!
This is one of those reasons why I agree with John Edwards the Medium - when he says, "validate the ones you love while they are here and before it is too late".
And after the unfolding events this week in Cleveland, Ohio - there is no better Mother's Day than your daughter returning home after ten years in captivity!...
Let us not forget the best Mother's Day gift of all - the one where a young unmarried girl gave up her only Son to SAVE the World...
Blessings & Peace to All WOMEN!
Saturday, May 4, 2013
the Audacity of Family...
I started to write this blog about a month ago and could not come to terms with the TRUTH. I think part of it was the hurt I was feeling once again - the anger and the anxiety. It took me so long to come to terms with what I was trying to open up about, I neglected my weekly blog for over a month. But finally it is here...
I was contemplating for the past few days whether to write this particular blog. I happened to be watching a re-run of Dr. Phil. It was about a young girl who was molested by her grandfather. The little girl told her grandmother who did not do anything about the situation nor did the grandmother tell her own son - the child's father. It resulted in the young girl having mood swings and irrational behavior. When her mother asked her why she was behaving in such a manner and what was going on - is when the child told her mother what her grandfather did to her. The mother was shocked and horrified to say the least, especially when the little girl said she told her grandmother. This is when the whole situation escalated! The mother of the young girl approached her mother-in-law , because the grandmother seemed to have swept the whole incident under the rug. Well you already know the end result...the daughter does not trust the mother-in-law and refuses to allow the child back in the in-laws' house.
The reason why this show or story was so important to me because I too was a victim of child molestation by my grandfather! I was about nine years old?! The worst part of it all was my grandmother caught him in the act and did nothing, and said nothing. She never mentioned it to my mother. It was not until I was about 11 years old I confessed to my mother, and only because the incident occurred again but this time with my sister - who is three years younger me. Til this very day I feel so much guilt for not telling my mother sooner, which would have prevented my sister to becoming a victim. All I could think of at the time when my sister was molested, was "the shit stops now!" I was the oldest cousin and did not want for any of the younger cousins to fall victim as well.
As you can imagine, this put a "rift" among the family. I made my mother swear to me she would not tell my father. I think part of the reason was the embarrassment, and another part of me felt - my father would blame the situation on me. My aunt told my mother I was lying and making it all up. And of course my grandmother who witness the incident, said she had no idea what I was talking about! The end result, my mother did not allow us to return to my grandmother's house if my grandfather was around. What a relief! But the hurt, agony, and anxiety was a result of my family's betrayal - to think that I would make up such a story?!
I finally told my father when my grandfather was dying in the hospital with throat cancer and I did not want to see him. My parents had already been divorced for 15 years and I was already in my late 20s. So I finally admitted to my father the whole ordeal and now he understood why my mother refused to go to her parents house with us. He felt betrayed and angry to say the least! I think once my grandfather died - I felt a sense of relief. Maybe I was feeling a sense of security.
Although my grandfather was an alcoholic that was no excuse for what he did, but I had long forgiven him and myself - knowing it was not my fault. But I harnessed a lot of anger and anxiety with my relatives for not believing me! Now as an adult with two children of my own - I am very overprotective of my children. I even had anxiety issues when they are in school, but can you blame me. And although my sister too has passed, I still feel a sense of guilt and regret that I did not protect my youngest and only sibling...
How I dealt with this all these years, now in my 40s - prayer! I pray everyday! Not just for myself, but for my grandparents and for the safety of my sons...
I was contemplating for the past few days whether to write this particular blog. I happened to be watching a re-run of Dr. Phil. It was about a young girl who was molested by her grandfather. The little girl told her grandmother who did not do anything about the situation nor did the grandmother tell her own son - the child's father. It resulted in the young girl having mood swings and irrational behavior. When her mother asked her why she was behaving in such a manner and what was going on - is when the child told her mother what her grandfather did to her. The mother was shocked and horrified to say the least, especially when the little girl said she told her grandmother. This is when the whole situation escalated! The mother of the young girl approached her mother-in-law , because the grandmother seemed to have swept the whole incident under the rug. Well you already know the end result...the daughter does not trust the mother-in-law and refuses to allow the child back in the in-laws' house.
The reason why this show or story was so important to me because I too was a victim of child molestation by my grandfather! I was about nine years old?! The worst part of it all was my grandmother caught him in the act and did nothing, and said nothing. She never mentioned it to my mother. It was not until I was about 11 years old I confessed to my mother, and only because the incident occurred again but this time with my sister - who is three years younger me. Til this very day I feel so much guilt for not telling my mother sooner, which would have prevented my sister to becoming a victim. All I could think of at the time when my sister was molested, was "the shit stops now!" I was the oldest cousin and did not want for any of the younger cousins to fall victim as well.
As you can imagine, this put a "rift" among the family. I made my mother swear to me she would not tell my father. I think part of the reason was the embarrassment, and another part of me felt - my father would blame the situation on me. My aunt told my mother I was lying and making it all up. And of course my grandmother who witness the incident, said she had no idea what I was talking about! The end result, my mother did not allow us to return to my grandmother's house if my grandfather was around. What a relief! But the hurt, agony, and anxiety was a result of my family's betrayal - to think that I would make up such a story?!
I finally told my father when my grandfather was dying in the hospital with throat cancer and I did not want to see him. My parents had already been divorced for 15 years and I was already in my late 20s. So I finally admitted to my father the whole ordeal and now he understood why my mother refused to go to her parents house with us. He felt betrayed and angry to say the least! I think once my grandfather died - I felt a sense of relief. Maybe I was feeling a sense of security.
Although my grandfather was an alcoholic that was no excuse for what he did, but I had long forgiven him and myself - knowing it was not my fault. But I harnessed a lot of anger and anxiety with my relatives for not believing me! Now as an adult with two children of my own - I am very overprotective of my children. I even had anxiety issues when they are in school, but can you blame me. And although my sister too has passed, I still feel a sense of guilt and regret that I did not protect my youngest and only sibling...
How I dealt with this all these years, now in my 40s - prayer! I pray everyday! Not just for myself, but for my grandparents and for the safety of my sons...
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