I started to write this blog about a month ago and could not come to terms with the TRUTH. I think part of it was the hurt I was feeling once again - the anger and the anxiety. It took me so long to come to terms with what I was trying to open up about, I neglected my weekly blog for over a month. But finally it is here...
I was contemplating for the past few days whether to write this particular blog. I happened to be watching a re-run of Dr. Phil. It was about a young girl who was molested by her grandfather. The little girl told her grandmother who did not do anything about the situation nor did the grandmother tell her own son - the child's father. It resulted in the young girl having mood swings and irrational behavior. When her mother asked her why she was behaving in such a manner and what was going on - is when the child told her mother what her grandfather did to her. The mother was shocked and horrified to say the least, especially when the little girl said she told her grandmother. This is when the whole situation escalated! The mother of the young girl approached her mother-in-law , because the grandmother seemed to have swept the whole incident under the rug. Well you already know the end result...the daughter does not trust the mother-in-law and refuses to allow the child back in the in-laws' house.
The reason why this show or story was so important to me because I too was a victim of child molestation by my grandfather! I was about nine years old?! The worst part of it all was my grandmother caught him in the act and did nothing, and said nothing. She never mentioned it to my mother. It was not until I was about 11 years old I confessed to my mother, and only because the incident occurred again but this time with my sister - who is three years younger me. Til this very day I feel so much guilt for not telling my mother sooner, which would have prevented my sister to becoming a victim. All I could think of at the time when my sister was molested, was "the shit stops now!" I was the oldest cousin and did not want for any of the younger cousins to fall victim as well.
As you can imagine, this put a "rift" among the family. I made my mother swear to me she would not tell my father. I think part of the reason was the embarrassment, and another part of me felt - my father would blame the situation on me. My aunt told my mother I was lying and making it all up. And of course my grandmother who witness the incident, said she had no idea what I was talking about! The end result, my mother did not allow us to return to my grandmother's house if my grandfather was around. What a relief! But the hurt, agony, and anxiety was a result of my family's betrayal - to think that I would make up such a story?!
I finally told my father when my grandfather was dying in the hospital with throat cancer and I did not want to see him. My parents had already been divorced for 15 years and I was already in my late 20s. So I finally admitted to my father the whole ordeal and now he understood why my mother refused to go to her parents house with us. He felt betrayed and angry to say the least! I think once my grandfather died - I felt a sense of relief. Maybe I was feeling a sense of security.
Although my grandfather was an alcoholic that was no excuse for what he did, but I had long forgiven him and myself - knowing it was not my fault. But I harnessed a lot of anger and anxiety with my relatives for not believing me! Now as an adult with two children of my own - I am very overprotective of my children. I even had anxiety issues when they are in school, but can you blame me. And although my sister too has passed, I still feel a sense of guilt and regret that I did not protect my youngest and only sibling...
How I dealt with this all these years, now in my 40s - prayer! I pray everyday! Not just for myself, but for my grandparents and for the safety of my sons...
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