Public Assistance = Depression

I would really like to talk to the critics of Welfare programs, in which they say WE are lazy and are getting "fat" off the land.  Because I can tell you personally there is nothing easy about going to the Public Assistance office with your children and being "frowned upon" by an uneducated, lowly-paid Caseworker.  I should know because I was once one of them!  Since I did not complete my College education, the next best thing was finding employment with the city - unionized, salary, full benefits, set hours, even the chance for promotion - all without having a college education. More humiliating is the fact that I am receiving benefits at the same location I was once employed.  Mind you the days preceding the mandatory appointment, my anxiety is at an all-star high!  I'm chain smoking, biting my finger-nails, pulling my hair, etc.  (What I really need is probably is a drink, but I won't go there.)  This emotion is probably compounded by the fact we have not moved yet, don't know when and still have yet to receive word on any $ !?

Going to my appointment with both children in tow, just validated the fact that we actually might be here for another few months!  If I already had moved I probably would not have even cared.  The worst is disappointing the kids.  I should have known better then to tell them anything.  Here we are the first of August and not one thing packed.  I have not even cleaned or thrown some things out because I am so disappointed with myself and ...My mother always told me not to depend on anyone or anything, and don't count on $ you have not seen - not even your paycheck!  Nothing is guaranteed...

All I know is that I am extremely upset, depressed and even somewhat disgusted!  I set myself up, for setting my dreams so unrealistically.  I can feel myself about to throw-up or hyper-ventilate.  And I do not like to do neither.  But as I watch the news, I have to admit I do not have it so bad - things CAN be worst.  Even praying does not help at times!  Sometimes I get so upset that I'm ready to throw my own Bible.  Who wants to pray at a time like this or can you actually pray - I know we should all pray during these desperate time.

However, exercise can help (or so they say).  To be honest, writing about all these ordeals are so cathartic.
I can actually write a book about this "welfare depression" and admit to myself that WE are from humble beginnings. Either way I will tell anyone who is depressed or need someone to talk to - talk to yourself!  Write your feelings down in like a journal - it is actually liberating.  (Yeah right who am I kidding.)  I think anyone who is on the system - willingly or reluctantly - has to be depressed!  This not about getting over like a fat rat.  It is about self-improvement, and positive change...Seeking for the light....